


Rex Glass and the Bureaucrat's Mask

by NobodyOfficial



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Nonbinary Character, Canon Typical Violence, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Unreliable Narrator, and, but only what canon will allow, canon typical gore, just a little bit of - Freeform, mental health, past drug abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobodyOfficial/pseuds/NobodyOfficial
Summary: Rex Glass has taken on a lot of jobs in his life, high-profile and low. But when he finds himself investigating the murder of Croesus Kanagawa, head of Mars resident crime family-slash-entertainment-network, he finds himself drawn in by more than just the paycheque. The lady detective assigned to Glass' case is almost dashing enough to make him reconsider his stance on working with a partner. Or at least he would be, if he had any interest in working with Glass!-Yeah, this is just Murderous Mask but with Rex as the narrator. We'll see how this goes!
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 20
Kudos: 72





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with my stealing Penumbra scripts! As per: I'm not claiming to have written the dialogue, I know it's lifted from the script, I'm just having some fun!

REX (NARRATOR):

Hyperion City.

SOUND: HYPERION CITY, BUT… DIFFERENT. LIGHTER, ONE MIGHT SAY. THE CITY THROUGH THE EYES OF A VISITOR

I think it may be the most beautiful place in the galaxy, and believe me when I say I’ve been everywhere.

Of course, the crime statistics beg to differ. For a solar planet Mars is slated with all the same institutional depravities the outer-rim rallies against. Only here they don’t rally against them. 

But that couldn’t be further from my problem. I’m a tourist here, much like I’m a tourist everywhere. To me, Hyperion is just a postcard-worthy skyline and a paycheck. That’s to be expected, when you’re a dedicated civil servant for the galaxy's largest government body.

Dark Matters, you see, only cares about maintaining that immaculate skyline, not what’s beneath it.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP. MUSIC STOPS. COVERS RUSTLE AND REX GROANS SLEEPILY

COMMS BEEP

REX:

Hello?

WIRE (COMMS):

Agent Glass?

REX:

(SUDDENLY MUCH MORE AWAKE)

Speaking. And who, might I ask, am I speaking with?

WIRE (COMMS):

Agent Sasha Wire, Special Investigations.

Am I correct to assume you’re currently on Mars?

REX:

(COOLY)

Why do you assume that?

WIRE (COMMS):

We keep track of all of our agents. Rex Glass checked into a hotel in Hyperion late last night. With such a distinguishable name I can only assume that was you?

REX:

Ah, of course. Yes, that’s me. Business to attend to here.

WIRE (COMMS):

Could you attend to a little more? There’s a case in uptown that is perfectly suited to your specialty.

REX:

(ALMOST QUESTIONINGLY)

The occult?

WIRE (COMMS):

Precisely.

REX:

What would this case entail, might I ask?

WIRE (COMMS):

I can’t tell you until you accept.

REX:

Ah, well, I’m unsure if I’ll have time-

WIRE (COMMS):

You will receive an adequate bonus.

REX:

Although, I have always been adept at time management.

WIRE (COMMS):

So, you’ll take the case?

REX:

Certainly.

WIRE (COMMS):

Good. An old friend of mine seems to be tangentially involved so I want our best people on the job, just in case.

REX:

And that, of course, would be me.

WIRE (COMMS):

Of course.

What do you know of the Kanagawas?

REX:

Too much.

WIRE (COMMS):

(A HMM THAT COULD BE A LAUGH, BUT ISN’T)

In the early hours of this morning Croesus Kangawa died. Murder, we suspect. I’m calling you in because you’re in the area, and because I think we might need your expertise: he was killed by the Death Mask of Grimpotheuthis.

REX (NARRATOR):

Now that, as it turns out, is exactly my specialty. I’ve encountered it before, in fact, though it remained encased the entire time. A horrible, deadly thing of Martian origin, capable of splitting the face into three equal parts. Fine if you’re a Martian; a death sentence if you’re human.

I anticipate the crime scene to be a bloodbath, but all the same I’m excited to finally get my hands on that Mask.

REX:

I’m familiar with it.

WIRE (COMMS):

I’d hope so.

I’m sending you pictures of the crime scene now.

REX (NARRATOR):

A glass display case appears on my screen, partially shattered, drenched in blood, and with the lower half of a man sticking out. I can’t see the mask for the crimson streaks on the glass. On the wall above the case, scrawled in dripping red, is written, “YOU’RE NEXT, JUNO STEEL.”

REX:

Who’s Juno Steel?

WIRE (COMMS):

A man’s just been murdered and that’s what you want to know?

REX:

It is the job of a detective to explain how a crime occurred. It is the job of a government agent to prevent further breaches of conduct.

WIRE (COMMS):

That’s an admirable outlook, but you should know we are expecting you to aid the assigned detective with this case-

REX:

Of course-

WIRE (COMMS):

Which may be an issue.

REX:

Oh.

WIRE (COMMS):

The detective requested by the Kanagawa family, my childhood friend, and the name above the case are one in the same. And, provided he takes the case, he can be quite difficult to work with. 

REX:

Are you sure it’s wise to send the victim of an intended murder to the scene of a crime? Maybe he’d be better off staying put while someone else works the case. For example: me. Alone. 

REX (NARRATOR):

It doesn’t take a moment of research to learn a thing or two about Juno Steel, a stubborn, hot-headed, _hot_ , disgraced ex-captain for the HCPD. An extensive history of prior offenses, the majority of them committed before the age of seventeen. A good few years ago he set himself up as a private detective and seems to have had great successes since then.

WIRE (COMMS):

Listen, I know Juno Steel. Too well. Or not well enough, depending on who you ask. But I know him; we grew up together.

Juno won’t turn this case down. The death threat is only an incentive to him. And if we want this case solved that’s a good thing: he’s a damn good detective. Just… take care of him for me, Glass. He’s been running head first into trouble since he’s been old enough to run.

REX (NARRATOR):

How can I decline such a reasonable request?

REX:

I’ll do my utmost.

WIRE (COMMS):

Good. Thank you.

You’ll need to meet him at his office, or else he’ll try to give you the slip. I’m sending you the address now. Read over the case file on your way there. It isn’t much; we’re trying to keep this as under wraps as possible, on request of the family.

REX:

Understandable.

WIRE (COMMS):

Good luck, Agent Glass.

SOUND: COMMS BEEP. THE STANDARD RUSTLING OF CLOTHES/BRUSHING OF TEETH/CLOSING OF DOORS, NOISES THAT ACCOMPANY GETTING READY, BENEATH MONOLOGUE

REX (NARRATOR):

Rex Glass: a blessing and a curse of a name. The implication of royalty can work in my favour if I live up to it, or set me up for failure if I don’t. Luckily, I’ve decided Rex Glass isn’t the kind of man who fails. 

There may be people out there who think that is not my decision to make, but I disagree entirely. I believe that you get to decide who you are every single day. Sometimes you wake up a different person than whom you go to sleep at night, and that’s perfectly alright. That’s life, in fact. Anyone who believes the self isn’t malleable is a fool.

So every morning I get to decide who I’m going to be:

Rex Glass is the kind of man who travels everywhere with his work uniform, because what kind of agent would he be if he didn’t?

Rex Glass has a smooth face and slick hair.

Rex Glass is confident but humble.

Rex Glass has ambition. He allows himself to think of the future.

STAFF:

Mr Shah?

REX:

Oh, my apologies sir, you must find yourself mistaken. I’m Agent Glass.

STAFF:

(FADING OUT)

Oh, sorry...

REX (NARRATOR):

Rex Glass was raised in the Outer Rim by three loving parents who had such high hopes for him they named him after the ancient Earth word for king. He enjoyed school, always an avid learner, and had plenty of friends there. He has always had abundant interest in the supernatural, which is what pushed him to move off-planet and study to become a Dark Matters agent. He still, of course, visits his parents at least once a month.

Rex is a romantic. He dreams of falling in love and travelling the galaxy with someone who shares his passion for investigative justice. They would right the wrongs of the universe, and kiss under the light of the stars, and they would whisper my name-

(EMBARRASSED)

But for now Rex Glass is just Dark Matter’s most qualified occultist. And he’s happy with that.

Juno Steel’s Detective Agency is in both a nicer building and a nicer part of town than his background would suggest he could afford. That implies powerful friends I don’t want to cross. However, I do have my own powerful friends, namely Dark Matters. If things go sideways I will have an out, I decide.

SOUND: DOORBELL

RITA:

(YELLING THROUGH DOOR)

You can come in! I left it unlocked so I wouldn’t have to keep getting up and interrupting my stream. You can just slide-

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

\- uuuuuuh.

REX:

Hello. Agent Rex Glass, here for Juno Steel.

RITA:

I’m Rita.

REX:

Splendid to make your acquaintance, Rita.

REX (NARRATOR):

I shoot her a smile warm enough to melt steel.

RITA:

Uuuuuuuuuuuuh.

REX:

Is the detective in?

RITA:

Uuh, he just got off the phone with your boss.

REX:

Excellent. May I?

SOUND: KNOCKS ON DOOR

REX:

Hello? Detective Steel, are you in there?

SOUND: WINDOW OPENS

REX (NARRATOR):

That doesn’t sound good…

REX:

Dear, could I ask you to…

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

Thank you. You are a gem upon Mars, Rita - and twice as beautiful.

RITA:

(GIGGLING)

REX:

Ah, Detective Steel. How lovely to meet you at...

REX (NARRATOR):

I enter Juno Steel’s office to find him straddling the window ledge, one foot on the fire escape, the other flailing in the air and trying its best not to remain in the office. The detective’s face is hidden by the high collar of his overcoat.

REX:

… last…

Detective, are you trying to crawl out that window?

JUNO:

 _I’d_ say I was succeeding.

SOUND: JUNO’S THEME, BUT SLOWER

REX (NARRATOR):

He turns then, unwillingly swinging his leg back over the sill, and I get a proper look at the lady. A lot has changed from the tabloid snaps back in his HCPD days: longer hair, softer features, harder jaw. He looks better, healthier, more rested, though only slightly. But in the decade and a half since those photos were taken he never seems to have shaken the haunted look. It lurks in his cool, steely eyes, so pained it manages to draw attention from even the worst of his scars.

There are people in this galaxy who would refuse to voice their affections for someone as beautiful as Detective Juno Steel. Perhaps it is because they know they will never have a normal life, because they can never settle in one place, never build a home, maybe it’s because he’s spent so long shifting effortlessly from one face to another that he fears he’ll forget which one is his own and which are simply mirages conjured by his own mind.

SOUND: MUSIC STOPS

(CLEARS THROAT)

But Rex Glass is not one of those people.

REX:

Well, I heard they do things differently on Mars, but I must admit this is a surprise! (LAUGH) You’ll have to show me your customs, Detective. Is there room in that window for two? 

JUNO:

Agent Glass, right? 

REX:

Only to my mother, Detective Steel. Call me Rex, please.

JUNO:

Yeah, I think I’ll pass. Rita!

(PAUSE)

Rita!

REX:

Oh, I wouldn’t bother calling her, Detective. Miss Rita has been… taken care of.

REX (NARRATOR):

Rex Glass, I decide, is dangerous and mysterious, much like his chosen field of study.

JUNO:

The hell is that supposed to mean?

REX:

Dealt with? Accounted for? I’ve euphemisms to go around, Detective.

JUNO:

Rita!

You better not have laid a finger on her, you-

REX:

Oh no, nothing of the kind.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

RITA:

Oh, hello there, Agent Glasssssss!

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES

REX:

I just found the right way to talk to her. There’s a right way to talk to everyone, Detective - you just have to find it. Here's hoping we find ours soon, eh?

JUNO:

… huh.

REX (NARRATOR):

As it turns out, my winning smile can, in fact, melt Steel.

JUNO:

You… uh, you should tell your coworker that. Just got off the phone with Agent Wire.

REX (NARRATOR):

Just not for long.

REX:

Oh? Would you mind catching me up on what you know over dinner? Introductions make me peckish.

JUNO:

You can eat in the car. I’m in kind of a rush. Some mummy wants me dead or something.

REX:

It doesn’t sound like that scares you much.

JUNO:

Honestly, it doesn’t.

REX (NARRATOR):

My promise to Agent Wire suddenly holds a lot more weight. Juno isn’t just the kind of lady to run headfirst into trouble; he’s the kind that refuses to run back out when things get heated.

REX:

Well, perhaps you’ve been poorly informed, then. You see, according to legend, Grim’s ghost takes a subcorporeal form made primarily of animal bones, serrated brass, and clotted blood, and he tears each of the targets of his vengeance into-

JUNO:

You getting in the car or what?

REX (NARRATOR):

So scare tactics won’t work. I should’ve known better; Juno doesn’t seem one to spook easily. Still, I fully believe I can achieve the desired outcome of this case without his help. Keeping him out of harm’s way shouldn’t be too hard, provided he trusts my expertise.

Time to change lanes.

REX:

Only teasing, Detective, only teasing. And even if you are torn to shreds by the talons of an undead nightmare, it won’t have been for nothing! This little escapade has gotten me to Mars, and it’s gotten me to you, Juno Steel – and I have to say I’m enjoying both already. 

JUNO:

You sure sound like it.

SOUND: KEYS JANGLE

Ready to go?

REX:

Oh, Juno. I’m always ready.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. FADE OUT. BACKGROUND CAR ENGINE

REX (NARRATOR):

The lady detective does not drive with the reckless abandon I expected. He sticks to the lower lanes and focuses intently on the road, trying to dodge my attempts at conversation.

REX:

So, Detective, what can you tell me about the case?

JUNO:

I was told _you’d_ fill _me_ in on the details, actually.

REX:

Ah, in that case-

JUNO:

Save it. I can figure it out once I get there.

REX:

Oh, tetchy.

JUNO:

I just, I don’t like working with others. I’m not used to having a partner.

REX:

And what about when you were in the HCPD? Didn’t you have a partner then?

JUNO:

(ANNOYED)

You looked me up?

(LESS ANNOYED)

Yeah, well that was a long time ago. Plenty of time to get used to working alone.

REX (NARRATOR):

I had expected Juno to shy away from his, let’s say, less than savoury past. But he seems to wear his trauma on his sleeves like a pair of well-loved cufflinks.

REX:

You know, I’m also not partial to teamwork myself. Always been more of a solo act.

JUNO:

Working for Dark Matters? Is that possible?

REX:

When you’re their leading occultists you can make pretty much any request you like. And I like to work alone.

JUNO:

Great, so we’d both rather work this case without the other, noted.

REX:

I never said I wanted to work _this_ case alone, Detective. Some people you just work well with, wouldn’t you agree?

JUNO:

Completely. That person is Rita and no one else.

REX:

I’m sure your mind will be changed before the day is out.

JUNO:

I rarely change my mind, Glass.

REX:

That must be a tough way to live.

REX (NARRATOR):

He falls silent then and I know I must have hit a nerve. 

Instead I turn my attention to the skyline, looking out for the Kanagawa estate. There are three moons visible from Mars: Phobos, Deimos, and the aforementioned Kanagwa mansion, looming over Uptown. 

SOUND: CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE

JUNO:

Let me do the talking in here, okay? They asked for me.

REX:

I can’t make you any promises.

REX (NARRATOR):

The entryway is heavily guarded, which of course was to be expected. However what I did not expect was for it to be guarded by the Kanagawa’s themselves.

REX:

Juno, is it just me, or... did every single one of those people we passed just now have the last name “Kanagawa” on their name tags? 

JUNO:

They like to keep their business in the family. 

REX:

But… there were so many of-

JUNO:

There weren’t that many. They’re just good at surrounding you.

REX:

Oh! That’s comforting.

JUNO:

Look, the Kanagawas bred like rabbits, Rex. which is to say that most of them don’t make it past sixteen, but the ones that do are crafty, mean, and they’ll sell your leg straight off your body if they think they can get five creds for it.

REX:

Those are savvy rabbits. The kind I’m used to eat carrots and wrinkle their little noses. 

JUNO:

This must be your first visit to Mars, then. If you want to keep your limbs, stay clear of the sewers.

REX:

Duly noted.

REX (NARRATOR):

I don’t think I’ve ever stayed in a place long enough to get to know the sewer system. Not for a long time, anyway. And Juno’s description of Hyperion sewers is no incentive to do so.

REX:

What do they do, anyway? These Kanagawas?

JUNO:

… You’re kidding.

REX:

Oh, I know the broad facts. Stars of stream and screen by day, kings of the criminal underground by night. 

REX (NARRATOR):

I also have the floorplan of their mansion committed to memory, as well as the location of each of their security cameras. But an agent shouldn’t reveal all his secrets, no matter how pretty the detective he’s working with.

REX:

But that’s all textbook. I want to hear what it’s like down on the ground. Go on, regale me. 

JUNO:

You got most of it. But stars and kings… eh. They've been losing money steadily for a few years now. Word on the street is that Croesus is… _was…_ making a lot of bad business decisions. Giving to charity, that kind of thing.

REX:

He’s gone soft, then.

JUNO:

Lost his edge, too. As of about a year ago he was taking show ideas from anyone who’d talk to him. That’s why I’m in this mess in the first place.

REX:

You mean… why the curse chose you? Because you gave Croesus the idea for a _show_?

JUNO:

Okay, last time I was here - sometime after I saved his son and before Croesus kicked my teeth in - he asked me what kind of shows someone like Juno Steel watches. I told him whatever my secretary leaves on. And when he wouldn’t take that for an answer and he still hadn't paid me, I said, “Y’know what, Croesus? Right now I think I’d pay about ten thousand creds to watch you dig a deep, deep hole, and then bury yourself in it.”

REX (NARRATOR):

There’s something so genuinely captivating about the way Juno talks. His tone and inflection and talent for carrying a narrative. I could listen to him talk for the rest of my life.

If only I knew what he was talking about.

REX:

What’s that have to do with the Mask?

JUNO:

That’s how he found the Tomb. after he beat the tar out of me he brought a camera crew to the desert, dug a deep, deep hole, and jumped in… to an undiscovered Martian Tomb, with that dumb Death-Mask inside. Got good ratings, from what I hear.

Come on. Crime scene should be just up ahead.

REX:

Allow me to get that door, Detective.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

REX (NARRATOR):

From beneath the door knob I remove a small, glass syringe and pocket it before Juno catches the motion. He’s made his thoughts on teamwork very clear, and so have I. Some business is just personal.

JUNO:

I can open a door.

REX:

Forgive me. Chivalry runs in the bloodline. “Show your heart through your deeds,” Mother used to say. 

JUNO:

Keep your heart inside and I’ll do the same, Glass.

REX (NARRATOR):

I keep more things than just my heart inside, Juno Steel, and I plan for them all to stay there.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES

REX:

(GASP)

Incredible!

Can you imagine? Hundreds of death masks, vaults, tomb stones, sarcophagi, all staring you down. Perhaps it’s where he wanted to die all along.

JUNO:

I don’t think Croesus expected to die at all.

REX:

And you, Juno? Where do you imagine yourself dying?

REX (NARRATOR);

Rex Glass, I decide, has a penchant for the macabre. It probably comes with the job description.

JUNO:

In a cold ditch somewhere, just like everybody else.

REX:

Oh, dream a little!

JUNO:

Fine. A warm ditch, then.

REX:

You don’t take anything seriously, do you?

JUNO:

You got a problem with that?

REX (NARRATOR):

No. No, not in the slightest. How could I ever have a problem with someone living freely, when that’s what I desire more than anything? The ability to stand up against the world without consequence. But now isn’t the time to dwell on that: for future consideration.

REX:

No, I think it’s admirable. Standing up against the big, mean world and laughing.

JUNO:

Don’t really feel like laughing now. This place gives me the creeps.

REX:

I thought you didn’t believe in curses.

JUNO:

This isn’t about Grim’s Mask, Glass. Someone in this mansion wants me _dead_.

REX:

Not _dead_ , technically speaking. The literature suggests that the walking ghost of Grim keeps one’s consciousness alive in a state of semi-eternal torment-

JUNO:

The literature can suggest whatever it wants, Glass-

REX (NARRATOR):

He says my name a lot in conversation. (IMITATES JUNO) Glass. Like it’s nothing to him. Like he wants to make sure I’m hanging off his every word.

I wonder… but then I stop myself.

JUNO:

\- but there are no goodman ghosts!

CASSANDRA:

(DEEP, ECHOING)

Juno. Steel. 

JUNO:

… Huh.

CASSANDRA:

You’re next. Juno. Steel.

REX:

Incredible!

REX (NARRATOR):

My fingers brush against a small knife concealed inside my uniform. Useless against the supernatural, perhaps, but it pays to be prepared, and the occult isn’t my only specialty. Far from it.

SOUND: DOOR RATTLES

JUNO:

Uh oh.

CASSANDRA:

Turn around, Juno Steel. Your time has come, Juno Steel. Raise your hands, Juno Steel, or I will strike you down where you stand.

REX:

(WHISPERED)

Perhaps… you had better do as the specter asks, Juno. He might shave a few years off your eternity for good behaviour.

REX (NARRATOR):

My hand closes around the halt of the knife.

JUNO:

(TO REX)

Shut up!

(TO THE ROOM)

Fine, they’re up, they’re up. Mind coming out so I can see the ghost that's gonna chat me to death?

CASSANDRA:

Silence. Now repeat after me. I, Juno Steel, forfeit my soul to the great Grimpotheuthis.

JUNO:

I, Juno Steel, forfeit my soul to the great Grimpotheuthis.

CASSANDRA:

And I really wish I had checked in with my old friends more before I died.

REX (NARRATOR):

I drop the knife.

REX:

Unresolved regret… temporal verb tense confusion…

CASSANDRA:

And I also regret this haircut, because, wow, I look awful.

JUNO:

Knock it off!

CASSANDRA:

Say it!

JUNO:

Cassandra, I know it’s you! Just get the hell out here, already!

CASSANDRA:

(LAUGHS)

You never could take a joke, could you, Juno?

REX (NARRATOR):

A young woman steps out from behind one of the many trophy cases. Her hair is acid-wash blonde, and when she smiles I can see that her teeth have been filed to points. Nothing I haven’t seen before, but I’ll bet she swears her look is unique.

I could probably find a certain way of talking that would make her melt. Another that would make her fear me. Another still that would make us fast friends. But she’s not who I’m here for. Rex Glass is here to do a job.

And anyway, Cassandra Kanagawa isn’t half as interesting as Juno’s reaction when he sees her. He smiles at her, wide and fake, then immediately tears the look from his face. It’s replaced by something real and complex, flickers of regret and anger, signifiers of a shared past, though not a shared distaste for it. Then, a small shake of the head, clearing the memories away, and a real smile shines through. And what a smile it is.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

CASSANDRA:

I figured you'd be shaking in your ten-cred shoes, so I thought I’d give you the warm Kanagawa welcome.

JUNO:

Real considerate. My dry cleaning’s going into your expenses for this one.

CASSANDRA:

Hey, who’s Mister Sunglasses over here?

REX:

My name is Agent Rex Glass, Ms Kanagawa. It’s an honour to meet you.

CASSANDRA:

Yeah? Wish I could say the same.

(TO JUNO)

Min told me you were on the way.

REX:

Min?

JUNO:

Their stepmother.

So, where is Min, anyway? Expected to get the warm Kanagawa welcome from _her_ , to be honest.

CASSANDRA:

Death of a family member comes with a lot of prep, Juno. meetings with the actuary, the funeral director, the writers…

REX:

Writers?

CASSANDRA:

Yeah, _writers_.

REX (NARRATOR):

The disgust is just as obvious on Juno’s face as it is in my voice. Death is something quiet, private, painful. To be locked away at the back of the mind. Not flaunted on television.

I can’t imagine much worse than a crime scene being televised.

JUNO:

You were always sentimental, Cass. You mind leading us to the crime scene, already?

CASSANDRA:

Aw, what’s the rush? It’s not like dad’s _going_ anywhere.

SOUND: METAL CLANGING

JUNO:

Damn it, Cassandra, cut it out with the bumps-in-the-night, already.

CASSANDRA:

Sorry, wasn’t me. All bumped out.

REX:

It sounded like it came from that… tomb.

REX (NARRATOR):

In the centre of this room is a solid stone mausoleum, no longer than a coffin and no taller than myself. It doesn’t look like it could, or should, contain a racket of that calibre. Unless it’s connected to an entire underground system.

JUNO:

Come on, Glass, this is a gallery, not a graveyard. There’s no way Croesus fit a tomb in here.

CASSANDRA:

Don’t be stupid, Juno, of course he did. What do you call _that_?

JUNO:

That thing? That’s just a… giant, terrifying stone door with the words “Rest in Peace” carved into it. Is all.

SOUND: MONSTROUS GROAN

JUNO:

(YELPS)

CASSANDRA:

You always were jumpy.

JUNO:

You aren’t even a little bit worried about that _noise_?

CASSANDRA:

Oh, no, Juno. Of course I am. I bet it’s just a bunch of ghosts, all in a pile, making big spooky ghost faces! Boo! 

(LAUGHS) 

Come on, the noise can wait. Let’s go.

REX:

Allow me to get that door.

REX (NARRATOR):

I slip another cylinder from the handle. How careless of someone to leave them behind like this. Thankfully for me, Rex Glass is not that careless someone.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

REX:  
After you.

JUNO:

Y’know, Glass, it was barely cute the first time, so I don’t-

CASSANDRA:

Oh, quit stalling, Juno. Dad’s right in here.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CLOSES

REX:

 _Incredible_!

REX (NARRATOR):

The rest of the room pales in comparison to the grandeur of the Mask. It sits, crumpled and shining, untarnished by blood, atop Croesus’ limp frame. I wonder how hard it will be to separate the mask from where it’s embedded in Croesus’ bone.

CASSANDRA:

Yeah, it’s… quite a scene.

JUNO:

I’m not that big a fan of it, either. “YOU’RE NEXT, JUNO STEEL.” You usually get my fan mail on your wall, Cass?

CASSANDRA:

Don’t remind me. Curses and ghosts and whatever… too creepy.

REX:

Mmm, yes, “creepy.” Ms. Kanagawa, do you mind if we conduct our investigation now? I’m afraid you’ll have to step back from the body so that Detective Steel can examine it. 

JUNO:

 _Me_?

REX:

You _are_ the Detective, Detective. You aren’t afraid of a little blood, are you?

REX (NARRATOR):

But as he leans into the case, body moving jerkily with hesitance, I can see that he is, in fact, afraid of blood.

CASSANDRA:

Find anything interesting?

JUNO:

Just a plot summary of all my nightmares for the next year.

REX (NARRATOR):  
I decide to take over before he knocks himself sick. Anyway, at this point it’s clear he knows absolutely nothing of the Mask.

REX:

You haven’t even seen the best part. Step aside, please.

JUNO:

H-hey, watch where you’re-

SOUND: CLANGING METAL. DRIPPING BLOOD

REX (NARRATOR):

I slip a gloved finger into the clasp and release the Mask. Now opened, it spans the case like an accordion, blood and sinew dripping from its three faces.

REX:

Amazing, isn’t it? One can only imagine what the Ancient Martians’ skeletal structure was like, if they could split in this way-

JUNO:

If you don’t shut up about that right now, me and my breakfast are gonna contaminate this crime scene.

CASSANDRA:

Oh, pull him out of there, Agent. Dad’s gonna roll over in his grave if you mess up his stupid trophy case.

JUNO:

Don’t know if you’ve noticed, Cass, but I don’t think this case could get any messier.

CASSANDRA:

All that? That’ll come right out. This thing’s supposed to get blood on it.

JUNO:

… What.

REX:

She’s referring to the locks, I believe. Look here, Juno- a set of two DNA-key locks, set to open only if the right genetic sample is placed within them. Only the people with the correct DNA signatures could open this case. Unhackable, otherwise.

REX (NARRATOR):

Or so Croesus thought.

JUNO:

So, let me get this straight: anytime Croesus wanted to take his Mask out to play, he had to cut his hand open and bleed all over both locks?

CASSANDRA:

Not both, moron. Dad wanted to make sure this thing was completely thief-proof-

REX (NARRATOR):

But here’s the thing about thief-proofing that Croesus mustn’t have known, or he wouldn’t be lying dead before us: it cannot be done by the rich. You see, thieves are born out of desperation, be it desperation for food, or wealth, or justice. The rich do not experience desperation in the same way as the poor. They are always desperate for more of what they already have. Therefore they can never even begin to imagine the lengths a thief may go to to obtain something they are desperate for, and the securities they believe they have put in place will never suffice.

This is not to say being a Dark Matters Agent has ever put me in such a desperate position. The post pays well, but that’s not the paycheque I’m here for.

CASSANDRA:

\- so he got two that have to be opened simultaneously. The left one was set to his DNA. the right was set to Cecil’s… and mine.

JUNO:

Pretty interesting detail there, Cass.

CASSANDRA:

You keep looking at me like that and I’m gonna knock your eyes right out of your skull, Steel. 

JUNO:

Like what? This is how I look at all my friends who’ve got a fifty-fifty shot at being murderers.

CASSANDRA:

You little-

REX:

Ms Kanagawa, would it interrupt any of your family’s plans for mourning if I were to remove the Mask? I have some readings I’d like to run on it.

CASSANDRA:

… Whatever. Knock yourself out.

JUNO:

Say hi to Croesus for me.

REX (NARRATOR):

He grabs my arm then. Only gently, to prevent me from turning away, but with such warmth and certainty.

JUNO:

(SOFTLY)

And, uh… thanks, Glass.

REX:

Anytime.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

REX (NARRATOR):

He turns back to Cassandra and I can’t help but stare after him for a moment.

This is preposterous. Rex Glass is only supposed to be in love when the object of his affection is looking right at him. But here I am, watching Juno interrogate the Kanagawa girl like a fool when I should be concentrating on the Mask. So that’s where I turn my attention.

This is the first time I’ve ever actually been able to touch the Mask with my own hands. It’s hard as metal now, but the way it’s moulded itself to Croesus’ face suggests it was once malleable.

REX:

Fascinating! What an extraordinary polymer!

REX (NARRATOR):

I remove from my pocket a large, thick pair of tweezers and cautiously hold one of the Mask’s faces in the other hand. This one has peeled away Croesus’ skin from the muscle beneath, and now holds tight like an eagle to its prey. Using the tweezers, I delicately remove it. The Mask’s face abandons its shape instantly, floating and shifting as if lighter than air. No, not lighter than air. As if it’s trying to _cling_ to the air.

REX:

The Mask’s material… unlike anything else. Incredible! It changes to assume the shape of what it contains…

REX (NARRATOR):

Cautious not to touch the underside of the Mask, I set about removing Croesus’ muscle from the rightmost face, then turn my tweezers on the main face of the Mask, melded to his skull. Something makes me think tweezers won’t quite cut it.

From two of the Mask’s many eye holes protrude Croesus’ eyes, horrifically out of place on his skull. The skull itself isn’t crushed as I had originally thought, merely wrapped up so tightly in the Mask it seems diminutive compared to normal.

Taking a large, thin blade from my back pocket, I leverage the Mask from Croesus’ skull. Its concertina folds once again collapse in on themselves, returning the Mask to a single, undulating object. 

I return it delicately to the plinth Croesus’ had erected for it and simply observe. The Mask seems to reach out for the back of the case, straining against its own form as if it wishes to consume the entire wall.

REX:

Just one good push… that’s all it would take. With one good push, the Mask could swallow its victim whole-

JUNO:

Rex! Kind of in the middle of an interrogation over here!

REX:

Oh! Apologies, Detective! I’ll just… bring the Mask over here, then!

CASSANDRA:

(FADING OUT)

Interrogation, huh? You… 

REX (NARRATOR):

I take the Mask towards the door through which we entered. In my pocket I find a palm-sized metal mask that I carry just for occasions such as this one, which I place beneath Grim’s Mask. It snaps around it.

Covertly, I send a picture to my employer. 

And now? Well, now I could leave. The Mask is securely in my jacket pocket, Juno has the actual solving of the crime under control, and just one door and several hallways stand between me and my exit. My job here is done, and it would be extremely beneficial for me to get out now.

But… but then I make the mistake of looking back at Juno.

REX:

Mhmm…

REX (NARRATOR):

He’s staring Cassadra down despite her towering heels, shoulders squared and lip curled. Something burns in his eyes, something that terrifies and excites me. I know at once that I never want him to turn that fiery gaze on me, but that he certainly will.

He will have to, because I’m not going to leave. I can’t. Rex Glass wouldn’t leave.

REX:

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION WITH HIMSELF)

REX (NARRATOR):

And am I not Rex Glass?

Plus, there’s that promise I made to Agent Wire. I had been sincere in that, if nothing else.

So I remove the Mask from my jacket and make myself look busy.

SOUND: GADGETS BEEP

CASSANDRA:

Later, Juno. good luck with the whole death-cruse thing.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

JUNO:

Hey, wait a second! At least tell me where we’re supposed to find Cecil!

CASSANDRA:

He’s probably still in his stupid workshop.

JUNO:

Where the hell is that?

CASSANDRA:

Remember those creepy tomb doors in dad’s collection?

JUNO:

You’re killing me.

CASSANDRA:

Have fun in there. Just be sure Cecil’s big machines don’t get you first. After all… there’s a monster on the loose.

JUNO:

Wow, I hate this family. Rex? You find anything over there?

REX:

Oh? Did Cassandra leave? It’s a pity; I wanted to ask her about these doors.

JUNO:

What, are they haunted, or something?

REX:

No, I’m just looking to remodel. Shall we continue on, Juno?

JUNO:

You’re sure there’s nothing else? That was pretty quick.

REX:

In training they taught us that your chances of solving a murder plummet seven hours after death, Detective. We have to keep moving. 

JUNO:

Back in the HCPD they always said twenty-four hours.

REX:

Well, that certainly explains a lot about the Martian crime rate, I’d say. Shall we?

JUNO:

Sure, Rex. Whatever you say.

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno seems to be dragging his heels back to the tomb entrance, so I take the lead.

Strange, ominous sounds emit from the depths of the tomb, so Juno’s hesitance is understandable.

SOUND: MACHINERY ROARS AND CLINKS. TOMB DOOR CREAKS OPEN

The stone of the tomb door is an obvious facade, as the second it swings open it gives way to metal panelled walls, filled with strange levers and not-so-hidden camera lenses.

REX:

Well, the inside of this doesn’t look like an abandoned tomb so much as an abandoned spaceship.

JUNO:

You sound disappointed.

REX:

Not at all. Some of the strongest paranormal activities have taken place in sunken ships. Space-pirates’ curses and alien specters... 

JUNO:

You don't really buy all that stuff, do you?

REX:

I believe in things bigger than us. In things outside of our comprehension. The universe is full of mysteries, Juno: where we go when we die, why some objects seem to bring luck or misery wherever they go... what strange force causes two strangers to become... closer. 

REX (NARRATOR):

I do, in fact, believe in things bigger than us. However, what I’m not telling Juno is that I believe those things to be dark, looming, and dangerous. And I wouldn't so much call it belief as knowledge.

And I know exactly which force causes strangers to grow closer: lies.

JUNO:

No mystery to that last one, Rex. I hear you can buy it by the bottle so long as you have a valid form of ID on you.

REX:

(CHUCKLE)

What has you so cranky?

JUNO:

I hear there’s a name for it, but I’ve never asked. Psychiatrists give me the creeps.

REX:

Really, now. I want to work with you, Juno, but if I’m going to do so you’ll have to cooperate.

JUNO:

Look, last time I did a case for the Kanagawas I… messed up, okay? I did something really stupid, and they’ve wanted to get me for it ever since.

REX:

Which was?

JUNO:

Yeah, no, not getting into that.

REX:

You’re worried this is a trap, then.

JUNO:

Thought that was pretty clear.

REX:

Well, allow me to alleviate those fears, Detective: it is _definitely_ a trap.

JUNO:

Hey, wouldya look at that! My fears just up and disappeared! That’s incredible, Rex, really amazing Secret-Agent-stuff.

REX:

It’s simple. Cassandra was far too willing to allow me to tamper with the crime scene; Min has invited you into her home and sent her daughter to you but she, herself, is nowhere to be found; absolutely everyone has been leading us here, to this hallway, with those horrible noises-

SOUND: HORRIBLE NOISES

… case in point. It seems absolutely certain that they all want us to come here, to where Cecil is… the only question is why

JUNO:

Or if they even have the same reasons.

SOUND: LOUD ROAR

That sound like it’s getting closer to you?

REX:

I would certainly rather not find out.

SOUND: LOUDER ROAR

JUNO:

Damnit, there’s nowhere to hide!

REX (NARRATOR):

We have descended too far and traversed too many twists and turns to double back on ourselves now, and the corridors are seemingly smooth and endless. Only seemingly, however…

REX:

I wouldn’t be so sure of that. Now, if I recall correctly…

SOUND: REX RUNS HAND OVER WALL

JUNO:

Glass, this really seem like the time to give the wall a massage?

REX:

Just a moment…

REX (NARRATOR):

My hand catches on the lever I was searching for, and a tall, thin section of the wall slides aside.

SOUND: CLICK. DOOR OPENS

REX:

Aha! Quickly, in here.

JUNO:

What in the…

REX:

Now!

SOUND: ROARING SCREAMS. DOOR CLOSES. DROWNED OUT ROARS

Well. That sounds like it was very close.

JUNO:

Hey, Glass? Mind telling me where the hell this secret door came from? You got a top-secret classified door-making gadget hidden in that coat of yours?

REX (NARRATOR):

The look he’s giving me tells me he doesn’t believe that to be the case.

REX:

No, no, those aren’t available until the clearance level above mine. But a good Agent never goes into a job unprepared, and when I read about the Kanagawas’ reputation I took the precaution of memorizing the floor plan to their mansion. 

JUNO:

Y’don’t say.

REX:

You can tell a lot about the denizens of a building from its floor plan. Houses are much like the people within them: all hold secrets, twists and turns... 

SOUND: ROAR. CLICKING

JUNO:

And giant screaming monsters, apparently. It sounds like it’s right outside. What the hell are we gonna do about this thing?

REX (NARRATOR):

So, now the lady wants to work as a team?

REX:

Oh, nothing at all.

JUNO:

That’s… not what I expected.

REX:

If we open this door, it will find us and likely kill us. If it opens this door, the very same. This may be difficult for an investigator to swallow, but there are some things one should not investigate.

REX (NARRATOR):

Some things in this very room, in fact.

JUNO:

You’re not the first person today to tell me that.

REX:

So, given all that, there’s nothing to be done but wait, hope that we don’t die, and hope even more that the creature leaves some evidence or ectoplasm behind to examine. And in the meantime... I’m much more interested in _you_. 

JUNO:

That makes one of us.

REX:

You’ve just implied that everyone has a monster lurking in the halls of their mind. If we’re going to rely on each other in this haunted mansion, is it so strange that I would be interested in what shapes your demons take? 

JUNO:

I’m a little more concerned about the shape of the demon that wants me dead, honestly.

REX:

You have a very interesting name. Juno. Juno. Like the goddess, I assume? Mothers, guardians, protectors... 

REX (NARRATOR):

A suiting name for the detective, I think. Especially so for one as esteemed as Juno Steel. Protector. Yes, I can see that.

JUNO:

Not sure that’s what mom had in mind. Looked the name up once. Turns out Juno was a real piece of work. Had a mean streak a mile wide and a nasty habit of killing her kids.

REX:

And do you have a mean streak, Detective?

JUNO:

Nope.

REX (NARRATOR):

Ah, the all too speedy reply of someone who doesn’t want you to know just how mean their streak can really be. However in Juno’s case I can’t say I really mind.

JUNO:

Mom did, though. Never killed me, but wasn’t for lack of trying. How about Rex? That mean anything?

REX:

Look at me, Juno.

JUNO:

I… am?

REX (NARRATOR):

And I suppose he is. He’s looking right at Rex Glass and he sees him. But that’s all he sees.

REX:

No, no. Look at me. Really look. Now tell me. What do you think Rex means?

JUNO:

Right now I’m thinking it’s someone who took Psych 101 a little too seriously.

REX:

Very close. It means king, Juno, in a language dead ten thousand years. I take my name as a creed to live by. Control your name... and you control yourself.

JUNO:

It’s a pretty thought, rex. Wish it were that simple… “Goddess of Protectors…”

REX:

What was that?

REX (NARRATOR):

In the soft, red light of the room I see Juno’s expression shift. The bold, hardened look he’s been wearing since we met this morning slips away, and that haunted sadness that lurks in his eyes washes over his entire face. He looks so tired, so lost, so broken. Not a goddess of protectors, but a goddess in need of protection.

Then he glances back at me and it’s gone.

JUNO:

We’ve wasted enough time already. That thing hasn’t made any noises in a while; maybe it found somebody else to eat.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

REX:

I would advise caution…

JUNO:

Looks like the coast’s clear. Let’s go.

REX:

… Well. So much for caution.

SOUND: SOFT CAMERA SHUTTER

Juno… I do want to apologise. I hope you haven’t taken too much offense-

JUNO:

Shh!

REX:

I can tell you’re upset, Detective. But shhing seems entirely unnecessary.

JUNO:

Just shut up! Don’t you hear that?

REX:

Hear…

SOUND: LOUDER SHUTTER

What in the world is that? It sounds so… familiar.

JUNO:

It might be… _camera men_!

REX:

It might be _what_?

JUNO:

(WHISPERED)

Rex. I need you to do two things for me. First: look above us. Slowly.

REX (NARRATOR):

I do. Situated above us, clinging to the ceiling with grappling-hook-hands, is a hulking, vaguely-humanoid beast with a camera embedded atop its shoulders.

REX:

Detective.

JUNO:

Yeah?

REX:

Is that a man with a camera for a head hanging from the ceiling?

JUNO:

By a broad definition, yeah.

REX:

And what’s the second thing you wanted me to do?

SOUND: MONSTER ROAR. CAMERA NOISES

JUNO:

Run!

SOUND: CAMERA MAN DROPS AND GIVES CHASE

REX:

What in the world is that thing?

JUNO:

It’s a Camera Man! One of Cecil’s goddamn genetic engineering experiments! Mix up a DNA cocktail from all the biggest, fastest, meanest climbers in the animal kingdom, then replace its hands with grappling hooks and its head with the best cybernetic video camera money can buy!

REX:

You’ve seen these before and you didn’t recognize that _noise_?

SOUND: ROAR

Thank you, yes, but the demonstration is not necessary!

JUNO:

This looks like a new model! They didn’t have quite so many arms the last time I saw them!

SOUND: ROAR

REX:

It’s gaining.

JUNO:

(OUT OF BREATH)

Yeah, I can see that, thanks! Maybe think about coming up with an idea instead of shouting status updates like a goddamn-

REX:

Juno, watch where you’re going!

JUNO: 

Oof.

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno runs straight over an electrical box protruding from the floor. I catch him only as he’s hitting the ground.

SOUND: JUNO HITS THE GROUND. CAMERA MAN STOPS AND TAKES PHOTOS

REX:

It’s… stopped…

JUNO:

(OUT OF BREATH, BEING HELPED UP BY REX)

Very courteous. I’ll just run face first into a few more floors and maybe it’ll start going backwards.

SOUND: CLINKING PATTER OF CAMERA MAN FEET

REX:

It’s moving again... what in the world? Juno... why didn’t the Camera Man drop onto us immediately when you discovered it? We looked up at it and it wasn’t until we started running that it followed. Perhaps it doesn’t want to catch us. 

SOUND: CRASH

JUNO:

Funny way of showing it. But that’s not a bad point, Rex. If it wanted to catch us, drag us off to wherever Cecil wants us… why didn’t it just get us then? Or when I fell?

REX:

Perhaps it… was enjoying the show?

JUNO:

The show! That’s it!

SOUND: ROAR

Quick, Rex! Hit me!

REX:

W-what?

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno is doubled over, still gasping for breath like someone with a serious nicotine addiction. Or whose lungs never got the chance to fully develop as a child. Or someone recovering from some form of drug addiction… for future consideration.

While I do not doubt Juno could hold his own in a fight, it does not mean I want to fight him. I do not think I could stand to either lose or win.

JUNO:

Damn it, do I gotta do everything myself?

SOUND: JUNO HITS HIMSELF. MONSTER STOPS. CAMERA FLASH

REX:

That was…

SOUND: GROWL

JUNO:

(STILL WINDED)

Good television’s what it wants. Now you hit me. Quickly. 

REX:

Well, if you insist…

REX (NARRATOR):

I hit Juno weakly in the chest, where I think his overcoat and jumper will give him the most protection.

He doesn’t even flinch at my fist.

JUNO:

Uh.

SOUND: ROAR

Come on, are you kidding me? That was nothing!

REX:

Juno, this is the strangest case…

REX (NARRATOR):

I’ve travelled the galaxy. As an agent, I’ve had to. But never before have I been asked to hit my partner in an attempt to entertain a semi-sentient camera creature.

But then again, never before have I had a partner.

JUNO:

Hit me!

REX:

Uh-

SOUND: SOFT PUNCH. SNAPSHOTS

JUNO:

( _STILL_ WINDED)

Alright… Hit me again and move closer to that door.

REX:

Are you sure _you_ shouldn’t hit _me-_

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno grabs a hold of my collar, pulling himself up to his full height and attempting to pull himself up to mine.

JUNO:

Just. Do. It. 

SOUND: PUNCH

JUNO:

Almost there..

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. ROAR. DOOR CLOSES

REX:

(PANTING)

Well, that was… exhilarating.

JUNO:

(PANTING)

Glad you enjoyed it. I’m gonna go sit down now.

REX:

Allow me to-

JUNO:

I can get there on my own.

REX (NARRATOR):

He roughly shakes my grip and slumps into a chair encased in shadow. I give in and perch beside him.

REX:

This mansion is clearly full of surprises.

JUNO:

Can we just… be quiet for a second? Please? 

REX:

... Of course. 

(SHORT PAUSE) 

I wonder where we are now. It’s so dark in here, but from the sound of it the room is very large. And these chairs are very strange, aren’t they? Such an odd design. Why, from the look of it they appear to be... 

Oh dear.

REX (NARRATOR):

We should move, I think. We should get up, right now, and move. But I look at Juno, sunk into his seat and gasping for breath, and know I can’t rouse him unless I’m sure.

JUNO:

What now?

REX:

Didn’t Cassandra say… that Cecil had been collecting ancient torture devices?

JUNO:

Yeah, but he sold them all off.

REX:

Because… well, I don’t know how to break this to you, Detective, but these chairs appear to be-

SOUND: METALLIC CLICK

REX (NARRATOR):

Damn.

I should’ve known. Should’ve said something instead of hesitating. When I was younger, sharper, I would’ve noticed before we’d even sat down. Slipping up on my own time is one thing, but now, here, with a partner-

My time is running out, and it would do me good to keep that in mind more frequently.

JUNO:

What the hell!

REX:

These bars… the chairs have locked us into place!

SOUND: LIGHTS CLICK. DRUMROLL

CECIL:

(DISTANT, BOOMING)

Esteemed visitors... elders and gentlechildren... human beings from across the span of age and space! 

MUSIC: STARTS

JUNO:

Oh god damn it.

CECIL:

Tonight, for your viewing pleasure: a Private Investigator and a Special Agent, two experts of the quick escape, will attempt the most deadly feat to ever air on-stream! 

REX:

We… will?

REX (NARRATOR):

(SOFT AND QUICK)

I can’t imagine much worse than my crime scene being televised.

(NERVOUS)

Cecil’s, I mean.

CECIL:

They’ve avoided the beast of the halls... they’ve avoided my mother... but can they avoid... The Throne of Spinning Blades! 

SOUND: METAL REVVING

REX AND JUNO:

(YELP)

Cecil:

Brought to you by the Kanagawa Corporation, this is… Cecil Kanagawa’s _From the Jaws of Death_!

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

Hello there, Junebug. Remember me?

REX:

(WHISPERED)

Do you have a plan, Juno?

REX (NARRATOR):

Dark Matters agents thrive on staying out of the spotlight; that’s what makes me so good at my job. If Cecil gets my face on his stupid little TV show then my career is over. And if my career is over I might as well wave goodbye to my life, as well.

CECIL:

Camera Men! It’s showtime!

REX:

Juno, I asked you if you had a plan!

REX (NARRATOR):

Illuminated now by the light, I can see a whole pack of Camera Men scattered around the room, perched atop deadly apparatus. All cameras are on us.

JUNO:

Just one: bust out of here, and then bust Cecil in his twisted little face.

REX:

Very helpful. And until then?

JUNO:

Only one thing to do, Rex: smile for the camera.

REX (NARRATOR):

I do not. Instead I dip my head, stare hard at the floor, and bemoan the fact that my final thoughts may well be of Juno Steel, and that defiant sneer of a smile he is currently giving so freely to the cameras.

SOUND: MUSIC ENDS


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, this took me ages, sorry! And it's sooooo long, oof. I was just trying to get as much narration in there as possible to make it different from the original.

CECIL:

That’s it… that’s it! Hold still just a moment longer, Junebug; you should never underestimate the value of the makeup department.

JUNO:

(COUGHING)

The hell is this? Powdered cyanide?

CECIL:

Only  _ mostly _ . When did you get so  _ delicate _ , Juno?

(LAUGHS)

You next, Agent. Breath deeply, please. We’ll be adding your pulse in post.

REX (NARRATOR):

If the man looming over me, powdered foundation held menacingly aloft, bothered to inspect my face at all he'd see that it had already been cleverly constructed from makeup products far superior to his own. I can’t gauge whether this is due to my expertise or his ignorance, however. But all the same he pours an avalanche of foundation onto my face.

For a moment I forget about the burning lights, the omniscient cameras, and the prowling camera men as the vile powder forces its way into my lungs.

REX:

(COUGHING)

My, that is a potent blend, isn’t it?

CECIL:

It’s the very best on the market. And I should know, Agent: I invented it.

JUNO:

This isn’t gonna work out well for you, Cecil-

SOUND: MOTOR WHIRRS

The hell is that?

CECIL:

Lip stain, Junebug. Pucker up.

JUNO:

Hey, back off, you-

REX (NARRATOR):

The lady currently having his face assaulted behind me is Juno Steel, infamous PI from Mars’ own Hyperion City and my partner for this case. The man assaulting his face is Cecil Kanagawa, currently our chief suspect for the murder of his father.

And me? I go by the name Rex Glass. That’s all anyone ever needs to know about me; and what’s more important than a name?

CECIL:

Be sure to look at the cameras, friends, or we might have to do a second take. Recording a pilot live is a fool’s game. You never know what might go wrong.

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno and I are tied back to back, each facing down an arsenal of spinning blades. If they’re lowered by more than a couple of feet they could slice clean through our skulls. Since I have somewhere to be at sun-up I’m rather hoping that won’t be the case.

REX:

Ah, I see! Then you’re filming ahead of time just in case one of us is hurt during this game?

CECIL:

(CACKLING)

No, no, no. I’m filming it just in case one of you isn’t hurt. 

There. All done, Junebug. Here, take a look at yourself.

JUNO:

Damn it, Cecil, I said you’re not gonna get away with- nope, you know what, you’re right, that colour looks pretty good on me.

CECIL:

Of course it does. I’ve never been wrong before.

REX (NARRATOR):

Of all the regrets I’ve collected throughout my lifetime, I never thought my final one would be not getting to see Juno Steel in his stage makeup.

JUNO:

Anyway, Cecil, you’re not exactly helping your case by locking us up like this! This whole stupid setup is halfway to a confession and you know it.

CECIL:

Oh? A confession of  _ what _ , Junebug?

JUNO:

You know what I mean! You were grounded here last night, you were the only one here last night that could open the case to his stupid Mask, and we both know you have it against me enough to smear my name in blood all over the wall. You had the motive, the means, and the ten tons of pure, uncut crazy to kill-

CECIL:

My, you do go  _ on _ , don’t you? I have no idea what you mean, Junebug.

REX (NARRATOR):

Growing up the son of an entertainment conglomerate must have done wonders for Cecil’s acting skills. I know all the tells of someone who’s lying - you have to, if you want to erase your  _ own  _ tells - and Cecil is displaying none of them.

CECIL:

You’re much more cooperative, Agent. I might have to keep you around after all.

REX (NARRATOR):

As Cecil leans over to touch up my own lip stain I notice a section of his arm has slid to the side to reveal a touch panel. On it is a video feed of Juno and myself tied to the throne of spinning blades.

REX:

I try my best, Mr Kanagawa.

CECIL:

Well, boys and girls, it’s just about time to start the show. Good luck. And remember: we’re making people smile out there. It does your heart good to think of that, doesn’t it.

JUNO:

Damn it, Cecil! I saved your life, and this is how you thank me?

CECIL:

You did. And you even gave me a reason to get this special arm of mine. And now I’m thanking you for all the good you’ve done for me the only way I know how: I’m making you a star, baby.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

REX (NARRATOR):

If I recall correctly, Juno said his last case with the Kanagawa family was a horrendous failure, leaving the entire family with a bitter taste in their mouths and a desire for revenge. But saving their son’s life? It sounds to me like they should be indebted to the detective. 

I’m beginning to see Hyperion’s gorgeous skyline in a different light.

That’s alright, however. Hyperion has other beautiful things I’m far more interested in than the skyline.

JUNO:

Well. We’re probably dead.

REX:

Speak for yourself, Detective. Cecil said he wanted to keep me around.

JUNO:

He didn’t mean alive.

REX:

… Well. that changes things a bit.

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno falls silent for a moment, and I can only hope he’s thinking of a plan. His fingers brush against mine, and I can’t tell whether I’m supposed to glean meaning from this, or whether it’s just a result of his nervous fidgeting. I appreciate it nonetheless.

CECIL (INTERCOM):

Places, Camera Men! Filming begins in one minute.

REX:

Juno, would you mind shifting slightly? I would rather the cameras didn’t catch my face.

JUNO:

I’m not exactly thrilled about it either, Rex. clients aren’t going to be thrilled about a Private Eye made public.

REX:

How do you think Dark Matters would feel about a Secret Agent who can’t stay a secret?

JUNO:

Look, if you want to keep your face hidden that badly, we’ve just got to stop Cecil from uploading the footage. Take down the Camera Men-

REX:

Or, better yet, take care of that transmitter in his bionic arm.

JUNO:

Now you’re talking. Only question is how the hell we’re going to  _ do  _ that.

REX:

Do you have a blaster on you?

REX (NARRATOR):

There’s an industrial plasma cutter in my back pocket that could tear these chains like a winning hand of Rangian Street Poker. The issue is that from this angle I cannot retrieve it myself; I would need Juno to do so. Or rather, the issue is the multitude of other things he would find in my pocket, most notably the Mask, which I didn’t inform him had accompanied us down to the torture chamber.

JUNO:

No, but I have one off me. It's over by the door; the straps on the chair cut my holster before the Camera Men dragged us over.

REX:

Well, then, we’ll just have to get creative, won’t we?

SOUND: GAME SHOW MUSIC STARTS

What in the world?

JUNO:

Get out the popcorn, Rex. The show’s about to start.

CECIL:

(OVER ANNOUNCER)

Welcome back, viewers! This is From the Jaws of Death, and I am your host, Cecil Kanagawa! But of course, who  _ doesn’t  _ know  _ me _ ?

SOUND: DISTORTED LAUGH TRACK

Now, let’s meet our contestant, shall we?

SOUND: DISTORTED CROWD CHEER

In chair number one: Rex Glass! He’s a Special Agent with Dark Matters, viewers… but our talented team of researchers could find nothing else on him! Not a thing! Can this man who appeared without a trace vanish without one, too?

JUNO:

Impressive, Glass. No record at all?

REX:

Of course not. Dark Matters scrubs them for you.

REX (NARRATOR):

There’s something to be said about being a Dark Matters agent. Utter, unquestioned anonymity.

But there’s also something to be said about having a past. The way I can just type ‘Juno Steel’ into the comms and know everything about who he’s been. There’s a comfort in that. But, at the same time, his future is still wide open. He’s not defined by his past, because it isn’t locked away, driving his every move.

My past may be well hidden, but my future is locked in place.

JUNO:

Hmm.

CECIL:

And in chair number two: Juno Steel, Private Eye. Detective Steel has lost just about everything a person can lose: his career, his friends, and even his own brother! Doesn’t it just tear your heart out?

REX:

What? Juno…

JUNO:

Don't say anything.

REX (NARRATOR):

Is it wrong that I don’t regret my previous thoughts? Horrendous as it is for Juno to have such a painful memory broadcast to the whole of Mars like that, what of it? So, people know his brother died, and maybe they shoot him a pitying glance from time to time, but is that really so bad?

It’s not as if he murdered someone… or, or something.

Sometimes I wish my job didn’t require my past to be such a blank slate. You can learn a lot about a person from their past. You can learn a lot about a man from what he did before he even knew he had a name. But that’s something for future consideration.

CECIL:

Our contestants will have five minutes to escape before the Spinning Blades drop onto them… but there is a twist.

JUNO:

Of course there is.

REX:

Shh! I want to know the twist!

CECIL:

The chain that binds them together is also affixed to a gear in the Throne’s bladeworks. Should they pull too hard, they will hear this noise…

SOUND: CLICK, REVVING MOTOR

\- and the blades above will descend, inch by fatal inch! So don’t struggle too much, boys and girls: this could be a hell of a haircut.

SOUND: DISTORTED LAUGH TRACK

Well, contestants? Are you ready?

JUNO:

No.

CECIL:

Good! You have five minutes to escape From the Jaws of Death! Starting… now!

REX:

People on Mars really take their entertainment seriously, don’t they? What spectacle!

JUNO:

Well, cooperate and maybe you’ll live to catch the rerun. Got any plans?

REX:

Pulling on the chain is a non-starter, I’m afraid. We’ll have to cut it.

JUNO:

Hold on, I think I might have something for that.

REX (NARRATOR):

There’s a slight tugging on our bound hands and for a moment my heart synches, but whatever Juno’s maneuvering he’s doing it so gently it doesn’t cause tension in the chains.

REX:

What is that? I can’t see.

JUNO:

Doesn’t matter. Just stay still.

REX:

But-

JUNO:

Stay  _ still _ .

SOUND: PLASMA CUTTER HUMS

REX (NARRATOR):

I can feel the heat of a plasma cutter - Juno’s own, accompanied by the customary low hum.

JUNO:

Damn it… it won’t cut through!

REX:

Careful where you put that, Juno.

JUNO:

Careful as I can be.

REX:

Ah!

SOUND: CUTTER HITS THE FLOOR

REX (NARRATOR):

The thin beam of the plasma cutter slices across my hand and I jerk, pulling my hand away, and with it both the chains and Juno’s plasma cutter.

CECIL:

Our first yank of the chain! Come on now, boys and girls, you aren’t going to end the show that quickly, are you?

SOUND: DISTORTED CROWD BOOING

JUNO:

Oh, shut up! You’re the reason there’s nothing good on TV anymore!

REX:

You know there’s no actual crowd here, don’t you, Juno?

JUNO:

(CONFUSED)

Hm…

REX:

Can you reach that cutter you just dropped?

JUNO:

Sure, if you don’t mind wearing that blender above us for a hat.

REX:

Well, I’d rather not do this, but…

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno Steel has multiple prior offenses. Juno Steel got kicked out of one of Hyperion’s most outdated, regressive institutions. Juno Steel has a kind smile and haunted eyes. Juno Steel just got an undeserved reminder of his brother’s early death.

REX:

Check my back pockets. They’re too far from my hands for me to reach but… you’re back there. Just be careful. Who knows what you’ll find.

REX (NARRATOR):

In one pocket alone I have a whole rainbow of colouring pens, keys to seven different hotels, a fake engagement ring-

JUNO:

Ow!

REX:

Oh, what  _ now _ ?

JUNO:

Damn, do you keep broken glass in your pockets? Something just pricked me!

REX (NARRATOR):

Oh. And two needles connected to glass syringes.

CECIL:

Only two minutes remain! What do you say, viewers? Should we make this a little more... interesting?

SOUND: DISTORTED CHEERS

That’s what I thought! Camera Men! Go and give that chain a little tug, won’t you? Ha ha!

REX:

There’s no time! Keep looking!

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno shoves his hand back into my pocket in a rather undignified manner and rummages around in there.

JUNO:

Would’ve been nice to know about this before.

REX:

You said you had it under control. Just cut the chain!

SOUND: SIZZLE. CHAIN SNAP. CECIL TALKS IN BACKGROUND

JUNO:

That’s one!

REX:

Quickly, Detective! The Camera Men are coming closer!

CECIL:

I’m sure Hopperman would be delighted to see these two-

SOUND: SNAP

_ Escape  _ from my device! How?

JUNO:

That’s it! Go, go!

SOUND: BLADES SLICE INTO THE NOW VACATED CHAIRS

CECIL:

This is… no! Camera Men! Get them back in those chairs! We’ll edit this out later!

REX (NARRATOR):

I can hear the desperation in his voice, but he may have given in to it a tad too soon. We may have escaped the blades, but a pack of Camera Men have now encircled us. And unless Juno has another plan up his sleeve - or in my pocket - we may be meeting a grizzly fate after all.

JUNO:

Rex, you any good with a knife?

REX:

Yes, but…

JUNO:

Take this one, then. I’ll go for my gun.

REX:

But how? Those things are in the way!

JUNO:

So long as you take one, I can figure out the other. Come on, big guy! I’m ready for my closeup!

REX (NARRATOR):

Two monsters hurtle towards us, and before I even get the chance to consider how much weapon proficiency I want to show I’ve slit one of their throats. 

Juno looks away, and I fear I may have been too brutish in my slaughter. Thankfully, however, the other Camera Man is not experiencing the same distaste. While it’s captivated by the corpse of its friend Juno makes his move.

He grabs the creature by its shoulders, muscles straining against the confines of his trench coat, and hurls it into the Throne of Spinning Blades.

JUNO:

You look a little tired, buddy. Why don't you have a seat?

SOUND: THUD

REX (NARRATOR):

A quip to go with that throw? The slight, dull-eyed young lady of Juno’s HCPD days could never have pulled that off.

I can’t tear my eyes off him as he edges his way around the room.

JUNO:

Rex! Pull the chain!

REX:

Huh? Oh! My pleasure!

SOUND: BLADES CHEW UP A CAMERA MAN

REX (NARRATOR):

Another Camera Man descends upon me and I’m forced to look away from Juno. I make short work of it, but before I can even retrieve a second knife from my uniform two more have taken its place.

SOUND: BLASTER FIRE

REX:

Juno! Some assistance, please!

JUNO:

Right on it! Duck! 

SOUND: BLASTER SHOTS

REX (NARRATOR):

I straighten to find three Camera Men prone on the floor, their lenses shattered. I’d assumed he was a good shot, coming from a police background, but this marksmanship is impeccable. Juno may be a better shot with a blaster than I am with a knife. 

One misstep and Juno could become seriously dangerous.

REX:

Well, that was… really something. A laser straight through each of their lenses!

JUNO:

Yeah, I’m amazing, you’ve never seen anything like me, I’ve heard it all before. You’re welcome. Now we just gotta torch whatever footage Cecil has backed up on that arm of his.

REX:

He just ran into that grove of Pear-of-Anguish Trees. Keep your blaster ready; there’s no telling what kinds of tricks he has planned in there.

SOUND: CAMERA SHUTTER

REX (NARRATOR):

We inch tentatively into the grove.

CECIL:

Surprise, Agent! Let’s see you keep this a secret!

SOUND: UNSHEATHED BLADE

REX (NARRATOR):

A row of spikes protrude from Cecil’s bionic arm, pointed right at my face, and I suddenly realise I failed to follow my own advice; I’m weaponless.

CECIL:

Ha!

JUNO: 

Ugh!

SOUND: METAL PIERCING FLESH

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno shoves me to the side, allowing the metal spikes to sink into his forearm. I catch him as he stumbles backwards.

CECIL:

Damn you, Junebug! My hand is stuck!

JUNO:

How do you think I feel about it? Oh, wait: this is how.

SOUND: PUNCHES LAND

CECIL:

Ow! Ow! Not the face! Ah!

REX (NARRATOR):

I grab Juno’s uninjured arm as he lunges for another punch. He instead opts to shove Cecil to the ground, detaching the spikes from his arm in the process. I press the pointed tip of my dress shoes into his throat.

JUNO:

(PAINED HISS)

REX:

Well, it appears your show has been cancelled, Mr Kanagawa.

CECIL:

(CHOKING)

Aah… Ah...

REX:

And unless you’d like me to press my foot down a little harder on your just impossibly skinny throat, you’re going to cooperate while Detective Steel takes care of you recording operation. Juno?

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT. ELECTRICAL FIZZING

Very good.

CECIL:

My arm! You have no idea how much that  _ cost _ , you-

JUNO:

Oh, stop it. I didn't destroy your arm. I just blasted its data drive.

CECIL:

Well… well, could you? It would be exactly the kind of thing to bump us up in the ratings-

JUNO:

Enough showbiz talk, Cecil. Your dad’s dead. You did it. Just confess already, and then tell me where you keep the painkillers.

CECIL:

Wh- what did you say? Get off me, get off me!

(COUGHING)

What was that about daddy?

JUNO:

Oh, don’t play dumb.

REX:

Your father is dead, Cecil. You did know that, didn’t you?

REX (NARRATOR):

The thing is, with the way his eyes widen and his voice quivers, he doesn’t appear to.

CECIL:

Daddy… Daddums… Papa is  _ dead _ ?

(SOBBING)

REX:

Juno… do these seem like crocodile tears to you?

CECIL:

W-when did it happen? Where? What was it? It was his heart, wasn’t it? He forgot his medicine, didn’t he? Oh, he was  _ always  _ shouting, oh, diddles, diddy-doo, peepaw, dada-

REX:

Detective Steel and I are here to investigate the murder of your father, Cecil. Why did  _ you  _ think we were here?

CECIL:

I thought Junebug was finally going to be on my shooow…

JUNO:

Oh, give me a goddamn break. You wanted revenge and we both know it.

CECIL:

Revenge? Never! Why, Junebug, you’re my closest friend! Well, second closest, after… after… daddy!

REX (NARRATOR):

I look between Juno and the snivelling man on the floor. Despite himself, there is genuine affection in his eyes when he looks at Juno. And nothing in Juno’s but regret.

I wonder how Juno, so sharp in his detective work, could mistake such adoration for pure hatred akin to a death wish.

JUNO:

Nope, nuh-uh, no way. The last time I was on one of your stupid shows you lost your arm!

CECIL:

And the  _ ratings were glorious _ ! Yes, so i admit, designing a program around the premise that I had been kidnapped by mobsters was not very safe. And of course, it was even less safe to hire real mobsters to fit the roles.

But you were amazing, Junebug, a real star! If it weren’t for that sticky clause in your contract that prevented us from using your face or name, you’d be on every billboard in Hyperion City! People have been begging to know who you are! So when Min told me that you and Agent Glass were coming, I assumed-

REX:

Min? Your stepmother? But… if she told you that, then she knew-

JUNO:

Shh, Glass. Don’t spill it all just yet.

REX:

Right. Excellent judgement, Detective.

REX (NARRATOR):

Blood has begun to seep through the sleeve of Juno’s coat, and he’s trying his utmost not to notice it.

CECIL:

She came by with some scheduling papers this morning, but I asked her to sign them for me, she can do our signatures so well I didn’t think it was important, and I didn’t listen… Or maybe she didn't say… But I just didn’t know…

JUNO:

Alright, Cecil, alright. Let’s say you really didn’t know. Let’s say you didn’t kill Croesus-

REX (NARRATOR):

(CECIL WAILS IN THE BACKGROUND)

You’d think, for someone who’s lost his brother, Juno would have a little more sensitivity when discussing the death of a family member.

JUNO:

Yeah, that guy. There’s a lot of evidence that doesn’t line up if that’s the case. Like… the case.

REX:

The one your father kept the Mask of Grimpotheuthis in.

CECIL:

What about it?

JUNO:

It was open. And you and your dad were the only ones here who could’ve opened it last night.

CECIL:

What? I couldn't have opened that case last night. I wasn’t even in the mansion.

JUNO:

Yeah, nice try, but we’ve got footage on you. Records say you’re grounded and you’re not on any of the security footage entering or leaving the mansion last night.

CECIL:

Oh, the footage! You flatter me. I knew my disguise was good, but to slip past Junebug Steel, Private Eye-

REX:

Disguise?

CECIL:

You saw Cassandra leave the mansion, didn’t you? Thought you saw, I should say.

JUNO:

That’s… you?

CECIL:

We’ve been doing it for years…

(FADES OUT FOR NARRATION)

REX (NARRATOR):

Cecil pulls up a video feed of last night’s security footage, and this time I pay close attention to the figure masquerading as Cassandra. As a Dark Matters agent I’m an expert in the art of disguise.

Now, with Cecil sitting before me, I can see how the pointed veneers sit on top of his teeth, the extensions woven into his hair, the makeup techniques used to soften his features. If only I’d noticed earlier…

It’s been a while since Juno’s spoken, and I realise a nauseous look has washed over his face. For a moment I think it’s the blood, but his gaze is still fixed firmly on the footage.

It’s only when I remember Juno’s expression when he first saw Cassandra that I understand: he’s realising his old friend is a murderer.

REX:

Juno?

JUNO:

Damn. That’s really you, isn’t it?

CECIL:

Very convincing, isn’t it?

JUNO:

So… Cass was here last night. And she could’ve opened the case.

CECIL:

The case… daddums!

REX:

Juno, are you alright?

JUNO:

Shouldn’t be too surprised, I guess. Things were almost looking up for a minute there. But I guess Cassandra was right. There are some mysteries you really don’t want to solve.

REX:

I…

REX (NARRATOR):

I’ve never been close enough to anyone to understand the pain of betrayal.

REX:

Suppose so. Should I… call the HCPD for Cecil now?

JUNO:

Don’t bother. We probably signed a liability agreement on our way in through the door. Ain't that right, Cecil?

CECIL:

(CRYING)

Of course you diiid!

JUNO:

Let’s just go, Rex. I’m so sick of this family I feel like I’m gonna pass out.

REX:

That… may be the blood loss talking, Juno.

CECIL:

Junebug, on your way out, could you just make sure that camera up there is facing me? I need to catch my makeup running. Juno? Agent Glass?

JUNO:

Huh. Yeah, kind of a lot of blood, isn’t there?

REX:

Let’s take care of that first. Cassandra can wait.

CECIL:

Junebuuuuug!

REX (NARRATOR):

I escort Juno all the way up to the trophy room. He leans heavily against my arm, and for the first time all day he’s silent.

As we exit the tomb Juno collapses into my arms. It would all be very romantic if he wasn’t drenched in blood.

REX:

Whoa! Careful, Juno. Are you alright?

JUNO:

I’m doing fine. How’re you?

REX (NARRATOR):

I lean him against the side of the tomb, head lolling against his chest.

REX:

Why don’t you sit for a minute, Detective? I’ll look for a first aid kit. Just don’t move, understand?

JUNO:

Couldn’t if I wanted to, Rex. Hey, anybody ever tell you you gotta nice smell? What’s a guy gotta eat to smell like that?

REX:

It’s… cologne, Detective.

JUNO:

Huh. never tried eating cologne before. Have fun with your first aid kit.

REX (NARRATOR):

If I remember correctly - and of course, I do - there’s a small bathroom containing medical supplies just down the hall.

SOUND: MEDICINE CABINET OPENS

I grab the stark red briefcase, then take just a moment to apply some more cologne. Why not allow a part of myself to linger while I travel the stars?

SOUND: DOOR OPENS. MUTED TALKING - JUNO. COMMS BEEP

REX:

Are you alright, Juno? It sounded like you were talking to yourself.

JUNO:

Just calling my secretary. Making sure my will’s in order.

REX (NARRATOR):

It may just be the blood loss, or the fatigue, or the intoxicating smell of my cologne, but Juno’s looking at me differently. He squints as though trying to decipher my face: figure out what colour my eyes are behind the sunglasses, if this is my bone structure or just an illusion created with makeup. But I needn’t worry - he’s still looking at Rex Glass.

REX:

You won’t be dying here today, detective. Doctor Glass has everything he needs for a successful operation. Stitches, disinfectant, hacksaw, bionic arm…

JUNO:

Not funny.

REX:

What’s the matter, Juno? You’ve never played doctor before?

JUNO:

Not really in the mood for games, Rex. you gonna patch me up or what?

REX:

Testy, testy…

SOUND: FIRST AID KIT OPENS

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno’s cheeks lose even more colour as I slip his jacket from his shoulders and cut away his sweater sleeve. I try to distract him.

REX:

So… what do you make of this case?

JUNO:

Well…  She’s  the only one who could’ve opened the case. She was her last night. She lied about it. Yeah, it all looks pretty open and shut, doesn’t it?

REX:

You don’t sound satisfied with that answer.

JUNO:

I’m not. There’s something else going on here. At least one something. Damn it, I just gotta figure out-

REX (NARRATOR):

He tenses his fists and blood begins to pour from his wounds.

REX:

Don’t exert yourself. We still have time.

SOUND: DISINFECTANT BEING POURED

Juno… about your brother…

JUNO:

Don’t.

REX:

I apologise if I pried. I didn’t realise… the topic would be so personal.

JUNO:

Look, Rex… Remember how I said my mother never killed me?

REX:

Yes…

JUNO:

Well, my brother wasn’t so lucky.

REX:

I’m… so sorry, Juno.

JUNO:

I’m not telling you that so you’ll be sorry. I’m telling you that so you won’t ask me any more goodman questions about it. Just drop it, alright? It’s done. It’s over.

REX:

Of course. If that’s what you’d like. Now, hold still. The stitches come next.

REX (NARRATOR):

I take Juno’s rough, scarred hand gently in my own. He doesn’t pull away.

SOUND: STITCHING

REX:

Shh, shh. Almost there… and… done.

JUNO:

Wow. That was… fast.

REX:

I’m a man of many talents, Juno.

JUNO:

I… bet you are. 

Hey, uh, Rex?

REX:

Juno.

REX (NARRATOR):

For just a second I could swear he knew… no. Wishful thinking. No.  _ Fear _ . Fear of what he would do if he did know. But we’re professionals, and right now we’re on the job. This is something to confront later.

Much later.

As late as possible.

JUNO:

Where are you going… after this case, I mean?

REX:

Oh, Dark Matters never keeps me in one place for very long, I’m afraid. As soon as the curse on Grim’s Mask has been disproven I’ll be off on the interstellar breeze, after some other imaginary spirit on some other planet. Why do you ask? That wasn’t an  _ invitation _ , was it? 

JUNO:

Don’t read too much into it.

REX:

Oh, don’t get cranky, Detective.we still have this case, after all. Who knows what we’ll tangle ourselves up in, before the day is done?

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno, I think, would make a good…  _ Dark Matters agent _ . He has the cunning, the wit, the kind of lips I want to press against my own beneath a blanket of stars…

But I couldn’t ask him to come along. Being a Dark Matters agent is a solitary post, and a burden I shouldn’t attempt to share.

JUNO:

Y-yeah. Still have a few leads to follow up.

REX:

Min, for example. She seems to be the name on everyone’s lips today, doesn’t she? And yet she’s nowhere to be found.

JUNO:

Right. Something’s going on there.

REX:

Do you think she killed Croesus?

JUNO:

No. Big, messy death like that… not her style. She’s Croesus’s second wife, and there’s good money on the theory that she opened that position herself. But that job was so clean it took five experts just to prove the woman was dead.

REX:

Then what could she be up to?

JUNO:

I don’t know. So we’ve got to find her. Ask her a few questions. And so long as we’ve got time on our side we’ll get to the bottom of it. Right, Agent?

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno presses a hand against my knee. I can’t tell whether it’s for balance or...

REX:

Right, Detective.

REX (NARRATOR):

I lay my own hand on his knee.  _ Not  _ for balance.

JUNO:

Good. yeah, i think we will. I think we will…

REX (NARRATOR):

There are no stars, granted. No thrill of a grand chase. And Juno is only just starting to come around from his stupor.

But if this is my only chance to kiss-

MIN:

Help!

REX:

What in the world?

JUNO:

It came from the Mask’s display room. Come on! And get your knife ready!

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

MIN:

Help! Help!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

CASSANDRA:

Where the hell is it, Min? I know you have it!

MIN:

Cassandra, i have no idea  _ what  _ you’re talking-

CASSANDRA:

Juno! God damn it, you have the  _ worst timing _ !

REX (NARRATOR):

I would say that it is in fact Cassandra who has the worst timing. She couldn’t even wait until the investigation into her father’s murder was wrapped up before pointing a blaster at her step mother.

She’s standing over by the case, pointed teeth bared at a glamorous woman who can only be Min Kanagawa. Even if she isn’t the killer - which she certainly is - she’s just been caught red handed waving around an attempted murder charge.

MIN:

Detective Steel! It’s lovely to see you again.

JUNO:

Min.

REX:

How do you do, Mrs Kanagawa? I’m Special Agent Rex Glass, with Dark Matters-

CASSANDRA:

Juno. you mind teaching Agent Shades over there how to  _ read a room _ ?

JUNO:

Maybe save the schmoozing until after we stop a murder, Rex.

REX:

Ah, yes, good note.

JUNO:

Cass, put down the gun. This doesn’t end anywhere good, and you know it.

CASSANDRA:

Do I, Juno? Do I? Because I remember a string of stream specials between the ages of 15 and 25 that suggest I’ve got real bad impulse control, and I think I’m feeling a relapse coming on.

MIN:

Isn’t that just the way with children? You can bring a horse to a therapist, but you can’t make her take her antidepressants.

CASSANDRA:

SHUT UP!

REX:

This doesn’t look good, Juno.

REX (NARRATOR):

I have places to be. And a kiss to steal before I get there.

JUNO:

I  _ know _ .

REX:

(WHISPERED)

Then what’s the plan?

JUNO:

Make another three hours appear out of thin air and use them to wrap this case up.

REX:

Juno…

CASSANDRA:

Hey! You two are gonna knock whatever the hell  _ that  _ is off right now, alright? And hands up, both of you.

JUNO:

Alright, alright, hands up. You got me.

CASSANDRA:

You’re damn right I got you.

Alright, Agent Glass. Unless you want to be able to see the wall through Juno’s forehead, you’re gonna go over to that woman and check her pockets, bag, everything.

JUNO:

Cass-

CASSANDRA:

Did I ask you to talk? Has anyone ever asked you to talk? Shut up.

REX:

Yes, Cassandra. Right away.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

Please excuse me, Mrs Kanagawa-

MIN:

Not at all.

SOUND: RUSTLING

REX (NARRATOR):

Min has next to nothing in her possession. A suspicious next to nothing. Not a pen, not an old receipt, not even a scrap of lint.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT

Nothing but…

REX:

Cassandra, I’ve completed my search of your stepmother’s belongings. But… 

CASSANDRA:

But  _ what _ ? Give me the papers already!

REX:

There are no papers, Ms Kanagawa. Min had nothing in her bag besides a prescription for anti-hallucinogens… made out to you.

CASSANDRA:

What? But… that’s not… she’s got to have…

MIN:

Oh, I know this comes as a bit of a shock, Cassandra. I’m so sorry. But your doctor and I discussed it and she thought these would suit you, and so after your next appointment-

CASSANDRA:

I do not hallucinate! I’m clean, god damn it! 

(FADES OUT FOR NARRATION)

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno shifts uncomfortably, hands still above his head, hanging on to Cassandra’s every word. He believes her- No. He  _ knows  _ she’s right. But in this position what can he do about it?

JUNO:

What papers?

CASSANDRA:

If you ask one more goddamn question, Juno-

JUNO:

You’re not going to shoot anybody, Cassandra. I know that about you because I know you aren’t a murderer. Some people got it in ‘em. You don’t.

CASSANDRA:

You’re… this is a trick, isn’t it? Another Juno Steel original. You think you’re real funny, don’t you?

JUNO:

I don’t joke, Cass. The universe does it for me.

CASSANDRA:

Alright, clown. Put on the red nose and let’s talk. Tell me what happened last night. If I like your answer, maybe I’ll let you go. Hell, maybe I’ll let  _ everyone  _ go.

JUNO:

Mind if I confer with the Agent for a second? I’m gonna need a specialist in horror shows to sort this one out.

CASSANDRA:

Y’know, I think I do mind. I think I mind a whole lot. And so long as I got this gun in my hand, everyone minds what I mind. Got it?

MIN:

You had better listen to her, Juno. One never knows what Cassandra will break when she gets like this.

REX (NARRATOR):

My eyes are ready to meet his when he turns to face me. I want to know - need to know: is he sure?

He must understand, because he gives a slight nod. So I give one in return. And suddenly that sweet, bright, genuine smile that he offered Cassandra earlier today threatens to spill across his face again.

He holds it back. Takes a breath to steel himself. I do, too.

CASSANDRA:

You two gonna stop batting eyelashes anytime soon? I’m ready for your story, Steel. Tell it. 

JUNO:

Alright, Cass. If you say so.

Those papers… they’re what you were in here looking for earlier, aren’t they? Something you must’ve dropped in here last night… like a schedule for the next season of Kanagawa programs.

CASSANDRA:

So what if it was? That doesn’t prove anything.

JUNO:

Never said it did. Only… you seemed pretty upset with Croesus when I saw you this morning. You pulled back eventually, but at first you seemed pretty burned.

CASSANDRA:

He cheated me, sure. But he cheated everyone. And hey, genius Detective, _ I wasn’t here last night _ , remember?

JUNO:

You were, actually. Cecil told us about your switcheroo. Had some video evidence to that effect, too.

CASSANDRA:

Oh, come  _ on _ . You don’t believe that little snake, do you?

JUNO:

In the house of the Kanagawas I don’t believe anyone, Cass. if he didn’t have that camera feed he’d be in handcuffs right now.

CASSANDRA:

I thought you said I wasn’t a killer, Juno. Was that just another trick?

REX (NARRATOR):

Doubtful, because Cassandra is not, in fact a killer. Or rather, she is, but not alone. It takes a lot to kill a man.

It takes the antiquated systems the first colonisers of Mars brought over from Earth, resulting in crude methods for dealing with drug addiction and mental illness. It takes the kinds of citizens who allow a family like the Kanagawas to rise to stardom. It takes lies from Croeusus, and manipulation from Min, and a forced rivalry between siblings over nothing. It takes a Martian mask, and the Martians who made it, and a quip from a young detective resulting in a man digging it up.

It takes a thief who’s rapidly losing his touch having to flee the scene of a crime, and perhaps in his wake leaving the Mask open to be used as a murder weapon.

So no: Cassandra Kanagawa is not a killer. But she will be if I can’t knock this blaster from her hands.

CASSANDRA:

Answer me, damn it!

JUNO:

I know you aren’t a killer, Cass. You’ve threatened every single person in this room with that gun by now, but you haven’t even gotten close to firing it.

CASSANDRA:

I’ll show you who’s not close-

JUNO:

Rex, now!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. A COLLISION. A BLASTER SHOT

CASSANDRA:

Get offa me!

REX:

Juno, the blaster!

SOUND: A STRUGGLE

JUNO:

Got it.

CASSANDRA:

I should’ve known. You tricked me, Juno. Goddamn it, you’re just like  him . You cheat everyone, don’t you?

JUNO:

I didn’t lie. I don’t think you’re a killer. I think it was a mistake.

CASSANDRA:

A mistake? Does it count as a mistake if you don’t regret it, Juno?

REX (NARRATOR):

Oh, but here’s the thing Miss Kanagawa doesn’t know: she will regret it. Even if it wasn’t a mistake. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, or maybe not for two decades yet, but she will regret it. 

She will yearn for the simple, unquestioned trust between a father and his child. One day she’ll look around her life - the life - a life that is not her own - and wish she could take it back, if anything just to see what she could have made of herself, had her life belonged to her.

But I don’t allow this pity to show on my face. Rex Glass knows nothing of Cassandra’s pain.

MIN:

Now Cassandra! You don’t mean that!

JUNO:

For once I’m gonna agree with Min, Cass. I don’t think you do mean it. You wanna tell me what happened?

CASSANDRA:

I told you. He lied to me. I saw it. He promised me he’d give it to me and then… and then…

JUNO:

Your show, you mean. He gave the slot to Cecil.

CASSANDRA:

Yeah, my show. What the hell else? The moron left a schedule for next season on my set, and there it was, “From the Jaws of Death,” a Cecil Kanagawa joint. That cheat.

I knew I’d never be able to have a conversation with him in daylight, with all those cameras around. So I had to wait. Then i heard him, bumming around with this stupid tombstone collection in the middle of the night. So I came to confront him.

MIN:

And you killed him. Killed him for a silly little show. Cassandra, I can’t believe-

JUNO:

Shut up, Min. Then what?

CASSANDRA:

I had the schedule on me. I brought it in here and I waved it around in his face, asked him what the hell his promises were worth. But he didn’t care! He just kept shouting about that goddamn case of his with its goddamn defective locks-

JUNO:

Its  _ what _ ?

CASSANDRA:

“How’d you open it without me,” “what were you trying to do with my Mask,” and that was just like him, wasn’t it?

JUNO:

Cassandra, stop, hang on for a second-

CASSANDRA:

Crying about his stupid toys when he’d cheated me, he’d cheated me out of my life, and I just got so mad I, I, … I didn’t know. I didn’t know the case was open behind him. I didn’t look. But honestly, I’m not sure I cared. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. So I pushed him. He fell into the case. I watched the Mask close around his face, and then… it ripped him apart.

And all this creepy stuff, the message on the wall, I...I didn’t do it, Juno. I mean, I don’t think I did. But I didn’t mean to push him, either, not really, and now every time I close my eyes all I see is that Mask… ripping him… apart.

JUNO:

Cass, I’m-

SOUND: CAMERA FLASH

MIN:

Did you get all that?

WORKER:

Got it all on tape, Mrs Kanagawa.

MIN:

Good. Gentlemen, I think it’s time to take my daughter away now.

REX (NARRATOR):

Two uniformed men step out of the shadows, prying Cassandra from my arms and dragging her towards the door.

CASSANDRA:

Juno… what did I do?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

JUNO:

You can’t blame a puppet for moving when the strings get pulled, Cass. only question is how many of us in here are strung.

REX (NARRATOR):

A pointed look is shot in my direction, but quickly shifted to Min.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

WORKER:

Let’s go, Mrs Kanagawa.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES

MIN:

Well. a patriarch gone, a daughter behind bars… this is a very sad day for the Kanagawa family.

JUNO:

(BITTER LAUGH)

REX:

Juno!

JUNO:

Wow, Min, you really love to lay it on thick, don’t you?

MIN:

I have no idea what you mean.

REX:

I’m afraid I’m a bit lost, too.

JUNO:

There are just two things about this case that still don’t sit right with me, Rex. That schedule… that’s the first one. Where the hell did it go?

MIN:

That’s assuming there was ever a schedule to begin with… which I highly doubt. Hallucinations, detective; delusions. Our psychiatric professionals will get right on it.

JUNO:

Your shrinks. Heh. That must be where she’s headed, then.

REX:

I’m not sure I follow-

JUNO:

Hoosegow. The local lock-up owned and operated by Croesus… sorry. By Min Kanagawa. There are cameras everywhere in Hoosegow, Glass. It’s for security, they say. But… hye, who owns that footage, Min?

MIN:

Cecil, technically. It’s for his shows.

JUNO:

Cecil owns the footage. So if someone owns Cecil… It’s funny about that contract. Funny how a paper with Croesus’s signature on it goes missing. And it must be hard for you, Min, but if you take the long view of it, you’re doing alright, aren’t you? Croesus had been leaking your profits for years-

REX:

Juno!

REX (NARRATOR):

In this line of work, when trouble arises one should really disappear. I think Juno and I are about to overstay our welcome.

JUNO:

You were gonna be down Cecil’s blockbuster and up Cassandra’s dud. But now… you’ve got a special on the starlet who killed her father. You’ve got a show about her rotting away in jail. And you still have her brother to milk for all he’s worth.

That sound about right, Min? Theoretically, I mean.

MIN:

Theoretically. If only you had the evidence to prove it.

JUNO:

I almost had you figured out. I was  _ this  _ close. But you probably know that already, Min. After all, you’ve been steering us around ever since we got here.

MIN:

Absurd. I hadn't even  _ seen  _ you until ten minutes ago.

JUNO:

You didn’t need to. You knew exactly how to lead me around. Hey, Glass. You know what’s the surest way to get Juno Steel to come over to your place?

REX:

An… invitation?

JUNO:

A death threat. So you must’ve painted that one on the wall, there. You knew I’d head straight for the crime scene. You knew I’d head straight for Cecil. You knew I’d beat him.

MIN:

You sound very  _ angry _ , Juno. But I would have you ask yourself one simple question: if all of your reasoning is true - which, again, you cannot prove - and you really are as predictable as you say, who, precisely, should you be angry with?

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno’s jaw locks in place, a biting remark frozen on his lips. I watch eagerly, waiting for the moral outrage I’ve seen building in him gradually to explode.

But then his shoulders slump and all the fight drains out of him. He’s  _ tired _ . He’s had this fight a million times with a million criminals, and Min isn’t anything special.

MIN:

I thought as much. The door is behind you, lady and gentleman.

JUNO:

We’re talking the Mask to the PI Registry, Min. If there’s one hair, one clue that puts you here-

MIN:

There won’t be, but you two strapping investigators are free to spend your evening as you please. Just know that… well, if you do decide to undergo that investigation, I’d recommend you stay clear of dark alleys for a while. Some members of the Kanagawa family don’t take well to those who hurt their own.

JUNO:

Then I’d watch your back if I was you, Min. You’re not going to keep getting away with this forever.

MIN:

Tell yourself whatever you’d like, Juno. Goodbye, now.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

JUNO:

Hey, where is the Mask?

REX (NARRATOR):

Here I am for the second time this day, at the scene of the crime with the Mask in my possession, with no one any the wiser to the fact that I could just run away with it. But I must have become soft in my old age, because I fear what the Kanagawas might do to Juno if I allow him to pin the blame of the missing Mask on them.

REX:

I have it in my pocket.

JUNO:

I’d really rather you handed it over, Agent.

REX:

Of course.

REX (NARRATOR):

Once we’re outside the Kanagawa mansion I have my own ways of getting it back. Dark Matters really wants that Mask; my job depends on it.

Juno takes me to his office, where he deposits the Mask in a safe and pockets the key. He’ll take it to the PI Registry tomorrow, he says. I have my doubts about that.

Then he insists on standing outside the PI Registry in the pouring rain until dawn, which doesn’t sit well with me on two accounts: I still have two things to steal before the night is out, and I’m not keen for Juno to see me with my makeup running.

SOUND: RAINFALL

REX:

It’s so cold, Juno. I’d hate to wait out here all night until the Registry opens. You… wouldn’t want to show me someplace warmer, would you?

JUNO:

Take a look around, Rex. Everything in this district is closed this time of night.

REX:

I didn’t mean a restaurant.

JUNO:

… Oh.

REX (NARRATOR):

So he takes me back to his place.

SOUND: FAINT CLOCK TICKING

The place looks as if he could’ve just moved in - sparsely furnished and cluttered with takeaway boxes he knocks from the counter. He leaves me standing in the living room while he retrieves a decanter from the kitchen.

REX:

Well. All’s well that ends well, eh, Juno?

Admittedly we’ll need to broaden our definition of “well,” but…

SOUND: LIQUOR POURING

Oh, you aren’t going to be silent all evening, are you? Your overbearing misanthropy may be part of your charm, but this is a bit much.

JUNO:

Not really in the mood to celebrate, Glass.

REX:

Oh, come now. You aren’t going to spend my last evening on Mars sobbing into your drink, are you?

JUNO:

Never been much of a sobber.

I’m more of a “catch your reflection in the bottom of the glass and feel sick” kind of guy.

REX (NARRATOR):

There’s a notepad in my back pocket, and a pen in my jacket. I slip both out and hide them behind my back, straightening to create an air of formality.

One of two things are about to happen, but either way this is all going to end the same: with me leaving. The question is: will I be pushed harshly from Juno’s abode, or will I have to slip out like a common thief?

REX:

Juno, you’ve done nothing wrong, you know. She did still kill her father.

JUNO:

That’s true.

REX:

It’s over. We all survived, if you don’t count my poor hand. My wound still throbs when it rains, you brute.

REX (NARRATOR):

Juno doesn’t say anything, but he’s looking at me. Looking at me and starting to see me.

REX:

Only… I was wondering. In Kanagawa’s office, you said there were two things bothering you, but you only mentioned one. What was the other?

SOUND: POURING

JUNO:

Refill?

REX (NARRATOR):

I haven’t yet touched my first drink.

REX:   
(LAUGHING)

So that’s how it is, is it? You know… you’re very handsome when you’re like this.

JUNO:

Getting drunker by the second?

REX:

Morally outraged.

Look at him… standing up against the big, mean world… It’s so… futile, and foolish, and…

REX (NARRATOR):

I drop my note between two couch cushions, then send a single word from my comms.

REX:

Sexy.

JUNO:

You… you don’t have to go, Rex

REX:

See? This is exactly what I mean.

JUNO:

Listen to me. You don’t have to do this. You know that, right?

REX (NARRATOR):

He moves closer as he speaks, glass still in hand, inspecting my face the way a detective is want to inspect anything.

REX:

Oh, but of course I do. The galaxy is much bigger than the two of us, Juno. my work, my life… I belong out there. I have to leave.

But life can wait one night, Juno. come here.

SOUND: THEY KISS

REX (NARRATOR):

He drops his glass. I lean down. He stands on his tiptoes.

And then Rex Glass is kissing Juno Steel.  _ I’m  _ kissing Juno Steel. Juno Steel is being kissed.

I slip my hand into his pocket, grab the key to his safe, and drop it into my own pocket. And now it’s time for Rex Glass and I to stop kissing Juno - Rex because he’s a gentleman, and me because I have what I want.

Only… only I don’t. What I want is to keep kissing Juno Steel, tasting the liquor like fire on his lips, feeling the softness of his waist and the tough muscle of his back and the overwhelming presence of his body pressed against mine.

I’m kissing Juno Steel, and this is how Juno Steel kisses, and this is what Juno Steel wants.

_I_ like Juno Steel. And I don’t ever want this kiss to end.

But, like all good things, it must. And I shall file it away: for future consideration.

JUNO:

Rex…

REX:

Juno.

JUNO:

Has anyone ever told you…

SOUND: HANDCUFFS CLOSE

That you’re under arrest.

REX (NARRATOR):

He snaps the cool metal band around my wrist.

So I suppose the manner in which I’ll be leaving is: without my dignity. At least I get to leave Juno his.

REX:

Oh, Juno! Usually not until the second date, but…

JUNO:

I mean it, Glass. Or… whoever the hell you are.

REX (NARRATOR):

And now he sees me. Sees me for who I really am. But I’m far too much of a professional to drop the act just yet. The clock has not struck midnight, so to speak.

REX:

I… I take it from your tone that this is not another layer to the fantasy. Fine, I’ll pay along, under arrest for what?

JUNO:

The attempted theft of the Mask of Grimpotheuthis...

REX:

I haven’t the first idea what you’re talking about.

JUNO:

… and for stealing the keys to my safe straight out of my pocket.

SOUND: KEYS CLINKING

REX:

Ha ha… yes, well, that does sound more familiar.

JUNO:

You want to know what the second thing bothering me was? It was the Mask’s case. According to Cassandra it was open before she ever got there… and you had just the tool to open it.

SOUND: TINKLING GLASS

REX (NARRATOR):

It seems I was not the only one who had been picking pockets today. Juno is holding up one of my needle-pointed glass cylinders.

JUNO:

Hidden glass syringes, tucked underneath the Kanagawas’ door knobs. That's why you kept insisting on opening the doors.

I saw you pull this one from the door in the Mask’s room when I was talking to Cassandra. I started getting worried when you pretended not to know what it was. So I took it from your pocket when you sent me after your plasma cutter.

REX:

I knew I’d regret letting you root around in there. But I couldn’t resist.

JUNO:

So I took a picture of the thing, and asked Rita to look into it for me. A hidden needle - small enough to leave a prick and take a drop of blood without anyone noticing. The perfect way to collect DNA samples… and to open the Mask’s case.

REX:

Oh, is this the part where the Detective tells us all how he solved the crime?

Go ahead, Juno. I’m enjoying myself immensely.

JUNO:

Cassandra said it was open before she even got there. That’s … that’s how I knew for sure. But you didn’t take the Mask then, which means you must have been interrupted. You opened the case… and right then, Croesus came along.

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

The clock chimes and the mask comes off. Rex Glass is tossed aside, added to the ever-growing pile of faces I can don at a moment’s notice. Now all that remains is what’s  _ beneath  _ the mask.

NUREYEV:

I had to make good my escape, and quickly - the security is so tight in that mansion! So many cameras! You have no idea how long it took me to memorise the floor plan to ensure that my face would never be seen.

JUNO:

Who are you really?

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

Most days I’m whoever I choose to be. That is to say: every morning I choose my name, my personality, and my fashion sense. I suppose in this way I’m nothing more than a canvas.

A very smart, very resourceful, very handsome canvas.

Of course, some days there’s a tear in the caves. A chip in the mask. Some days I return a wallet without first slipping the ID card from it. Sometimes a child wakes up to find a knife through the throat of their abuser. And sometimes I’m distracted by a beautiful lady I just can’t seem to file away.

But most of the time I’m  _ someone else _ , because that’s all it’s safe to be anymore. That’s all I know who to be, anymore. 

JUNO:

Just answer the damn question.

REX:

But I’m afraid I don’t tell anyone my name. It would take someone very special for me to tell it now.

JUNO:

I knew it was you. But I thought you’d… So is Sasha in on it too, then? You two working together?

NUREYEV:

Who? Oh, do you mean Dark Matters? No, no, Juno. They told you the truth. The truth as they knew it, at any rate. I do answer to the name Rex Glass - for the moment.

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

I have answered to the name Rex Glass as of three am this morning, when I made my grand escape from the Kanagawa mansion and first began to formulate my plan of how to get back in again. I, of course, heard Croesus and Cassandra arguing. When I heard the snap of the Mask I made my assumptions about his death. I had backups prepared, of course, had that not been the case. But my guess was that Dark Matters would be short a couple of occultists - especially since there’s no such thing as the occult - and especially on Mars. Plus, I already had the uniform - what good thief doesn’t? So that’s what I became.

Until now, with Juno.

NUREYEV:

Not alone. It pays to have powerful friends, Juno, when one makes powerful enemies. You’ve demonstrated as much with the Kanagawas.

Allow me to shift the focus of our conversation, will you?

SOUND: COMMS BEEP

JUNO:

You’ve got about two minutes until the cops get here. You can say whatever you want until then.

NUREYEV:

Hyperion City isn’t the safest place for you at the moment, is it? From the sound of things the Kanagawas are very upset with you. It sounds to me like you need to… disappear.

And I happen to be an expert in disappearances.

JUNO:

We’ll see how much of an expert you are after this one.

NUREYEV:

It could be so simple. You can leave Hyperion City behind; I’ll leave my powerful friends behind. We’ll sell the Mask and live a life of thrills and decadence across the Galaxy, always running, never looking back.

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

He’s captivated by my words, and my hand is in his pocket again. I take first the key, then my syringe, then my heavy duty plasma cutter. I slip them back into my own pocket.

NUREYEV:

We could have quite a time together, Juno. who knows what kind of trouble we could cause.

SOUND: KNOCKING. DOOR OPENS

JUNO:

Officers.

MCCRORY:

Steel. Guess I’m not so surprised to see you spending the night with a treasure thief.

JUNO:

Yeah, yeah, happy to see you too, McCrory. Just be careful with this one, alright? He’s slippery.

MCCRORY:

Oh, come on. He can’t be that bad if  _ you  _ caught him.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

NUREYEV:

It could be quite an adventure.

JUNO:

I’m sure it will be. Wish I could come along. I’ll be at the station in a minute.

JOHNS:

If you are, bring a helmet. Kapoor’s been saving a lead pipe for you.

NUREYEV:

Well, then. Farewell, Juno. Until we meet again.

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

I grasp one last look at the lady before he’s gone. Gripping the whiskey bottle in his arms and staring after me, looking oh so much like he wants to finish that kiss.

SOUND: OFFICERS CHATTER IN BACKGROUND

Good. We will, one day.

But not tonight. Tonight I have other places to be. Other people to be. I left something dreadfully important at Juno’s apartment, however, and with any luck I’ll be back for it soon.

MCCRORY:

… No time. He’s not any trouble, Steel’s just like that. No good with a pretty face. You remember Diamond.

JOHNS:

Course, course.

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS

MCCRORY:

Get in there, you.

NUREYEV:

Uh, hey! That’s no way to handle a gentleman.

MCCRORY:

Gentleman, huh? You’ve been spending too much time with Steel.

NUREYEV:

You know, he’s a better detective than you two low lifes will ever be.

JOHNS:

Oh, he can bite with those fangs!

MCCRORY:

No wonder Steel likes him. That woman just doesn’t know what’s good for him.

SOUND: CAR STARTS. THIEF WITHOUT A HOME

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

Realistically, I know Juno never would have come with me. His home is here, in Hyperion City.

I know what it means to love a place that’s broken. And I also know what it’s like to leave that place, secure with the knowledge you’ve done everything you could to help it. Juno’s done a lot for Hyperion, and not a lot for himself, and I fear that if he stays here it will destroy him.

But I’ll be back for Juno, I know I will. Just as I’ll be back for my name, which I tossed so carelessly onto Juno’s couch.

SOUND: PLASMA CUTTER HUMMS

It’s been well over a decade since I gifted my name to anyone. Being Peter Nureyev is dangerous. Ten times as dangerous as it was being Rex Glass. I wasn’t messing around when I said it would take a very special someone for me to share my name with; I truly believe Juno is that someone.

It would be easy to call myself a lovestruck fool, but that would be dismissing how I truly feel about Juno. I trust him. And I am not one to trust easily.

You see, Peter Nureyev prides himself on being alone. So does Rex Glass, and Perseus Shah, and everyone I’ve ever been. That’s the way I like things, or at least that’s the way I tell myself I do. But after today I’ll never be able to convince myself of that lie again.

I worked well with Juno, despite the fact that I was really working against him. There’s security in the knowledge that you’re not alone; I’d forgotten that.

Perhaps I could try to forget the lady. Perhaps I could finish my job here on Mars and simply move onto the next job, then the next, the next, always running, always alone, but always, always thinking about Juno, and what could have been. The life I could paint myself with him by my side-

(SOFTLY)

Mercury Drive

SOUND: THIEF WITHOUT A HOME STOPS ABRUPTLY. NUREYEV’S THEME PLAYS

NUREYEV:

Officers, may I request a brief pit stop?

MCCRORY:

Shut up you- Good God, he’s out of the handcuffs, Johns, radio the-

SOUND: A KNIFE HITTING THE DASHBOARD, CRUNCHING THROUGH THE RADIO

JOHNS:

Ah!

NUREYEV:

And there’s more where that came from! 

Now, I think I’ll be taking the wheel.

SOUND: TYRES SCREECH. CAR CRASHES. AIRBAGS INFLATE

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

I gag the officers with their own shirts and bind them with their own handcuffs. Rather a satisfying sight. I leave them right in view of the public access feed camera in the hopes that Juno will agree; I did, of course, advise in my note that he tunes into the feed.

A minute later a car pulls up.

SOUND: WINDOW WINDING DOWN

NUREYEV:

Took you long enough.

MIASMA:

I’m not impressed with you on this one, thief. Get in.

NUREYEV (NARRATOR):

I place my hand on the door, but before I step inside I do exactly what Juno told me to in a crisis: smile for the camera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not so happy with the monologues in this, but my brain has already moved on to the next thing so I don't know if I'll come back to edit them or not!
> 
> I'm thinking I can write the entire Howl's Moving Castle film (which I've been obsessed with since I was 5) as Junoverse episodes, bc that seems like fun! It means I don't have to copy narration, either, which was kind of the bane of writing these last two fics. But I'm not sure if I have the concentration to finish it ':D
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading! Appreciate you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaah, idk how I feel about this narration? I was going to make him Very Obviously Nureyev, and have him, like, talk to Miasma, and open with him trying to steal the Mask, but then I was like 'if this was the 'Peter Nureyev and the...' podcast then I wouldn't start like that, I'd start with an unreliable narrator and go from there,' so that's what I did. Only, you all already know that he's Nureyev, so I went very heavy handed with the Nureyev references vs the 'I Am Actually A Dark Matters Agent' stuff. So idk. If you're not loving it lmk and I can change it up in the second half!
> 
> I will say, however, that I have some sexy, sexy monologues planned for part two and only hope that I can pull them off!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading (this was loooong, oh boy!), hmu @ kindofwriter on tumblr if you wanna scream about podcasts (or just scream).


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